One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

Day 14: She and I

For the penultimate word of the April Moon 2014 reflective writing challenge, we were tasked with focusing on COMFORT.  And for the sake of brevity, I'm going to create a Top Ten Comfort List, a-la (David) Letterman.

10. Being barefoot
9.  Delicious, moist cake! (judge me all you want; I find some comfort in food!)
8.  Sleeping
7.  Traveling
6.  Creating things (anything!)
5.  My friends
4.  Thoughts of/signs from my mother
3.  My dogs
2.  My family, especially my sisters and their children
1.  I find the most beautiful and heart-warming comfort in my wife.  I remember within the first year of dating, I told her how much I felt like she provided me with safety...Like I wanted to crawl into her skin and just rest there for a bit because she provided my THAT calm (of course I know that sounds creepy, but there is no other way to describe the feeling I had). She provides me the same energy I [used to] get from my mother.  She makes me feel like nothing can happen to me in her arms.  Perhaps, I don't say it as much as I wish, but comfort truly is she and I! There is absolutely no mistake in our joining and the fact that we will both bring a lil being into the world together... And, they, too, will experience that comfort soon.  <3

I wish you all a happy lunar eclipse tonight and new moon tomorrow!  Make your comforting wishes and may they all come true.

Day 4: A Spiritual Grounding

Wikipedia (not the most reliable source, but we'll go with it) states that SACRED is the general state of being considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion.  Things are considered sacred when used for spiritual purposes or invoke some form of spiritual connection.  I love that today's prompt for our April Moon 2014 challenge is the word: SACRED. It stirs such deep, rooted, red/plum, warm energy throughout my system and I welcome it.  It's not often that we take time to recognize and revere that which we find sacred.  Here my list of sacred:

• My body/soul/self - ME!
• The unity between my wife & I
• Our journey towards creating a being
• My faith/spirituality
• My family bond
• The breath I breathe
• The reflecting/clarifying moments

The word sacred evokes a deeper connection within me... it's this unity with the soul, with the core of my being, with my body.. it brings forth the rituals we create around honoring ourselves and life.  I feel it rooted in my breath; inhaling what "good" I want from what I find sacred and exhaling all the "negative" that impedes from my connection. It recalls memories of my first discovery of my self, beyond that of the touch, but really trying to dissect the very parts of me that make me ME. It reminds me of my understanding of faith and spirituality; And, at some point in my life, my separation from conventional religion and a movement towards engaging in a more global practice of faith and healing (which can go hand-in-hand).  It calls up my deep desires of finding that energy in life that provides me a sense of spiritual grounding.  It actually even brings me to my yoga/meditation practices... and while I don't engage in them as often as I'd like, I find them to be part of my spiritual practice and honoring of my being.

In relation to our TTC process, as my wife and I have embarked in bringing a being into this universe, I have been searching for a variety of things/birthing aspects/motherhood-embracing/techniques/communities/yo-no-se-que that make our TTC experience meaningful and positive... sacred so-to-speak.  One of the most beautiful and conjuring [online] communities that I have found is SACRED PREGNANCY.  Just their mere images online invoke such amazing feelings in me.  It visually represents what I see and practice as sacred.  There aren't words to capture that feelings sometimes... In fact, it is often tears that come as a representation of what my soul wants to express.

Our journey is actually very scared to me... us. We've created this spiritual connection to this being that isn't here, yet garners our devotion wholeheartedly.  We honor it with positive affirmations, with positive intentions, with words of wisdom and ever present love. Our scared practices have now extra-embraced the welcoming of our being... they may not be here yet; but, we know they're with us.  Nonetheless... NAMASTE!

We're In the Money!

No, we're really not necessarily in the money yet, but we hope to be (with your help)!  As many may know, we already started to put out our plea for funds to help us move forward in trying to have a baby, again!  Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a catchy name or title for our baby-making fund, but absolutely welcome any ideas you may have!

(in case you missed it) Here's how YOU can HELP:

• We've started our fundraising by creating a fund using PayPal on our blog.  That has been such a wonderful start! Very much like the support we got during our wedding, this has yielded a nice outcome thus far.  It seems this is a nice option for folks who just wanted to be extremely kindhearted & generous, want nothing in return and want to give. For folks who have so graciously donated via our PayPal link already, we can not say enough about how thankful we are for your donation.  For those who haven't...ummmm, get to it!  LOL...  At this point, I am definitely not too proud to beg folks for their money.   The truth is, we'll do whatever we can to have a family and don't plan on giving up anytime soon!!!  If you don't want to donate or can't, we understand....It's ok.  Just please make sure you spread the word to your affluent friends and have them donate :-)

• Next...I sell all-natural, homemade bath and body scrubs!  They are a really perfect piece for yourself or a gift for a loved one.  If you need great little gifts for teachers, family, or friends check out what I have available. They currently come in two sizes (6oz & 12oz) and four standard scents, BUT the choice are truly infinite... you can choose your choice of oil, salt/sugar & scent.   Want to know more... visit www.facebook.com/lilpfunkhouse to see pictures of my goods ... DO IT!!! We are additionally working on showcasing the scrubs in some local venues and events, so watch out for displays in a venue near you.  

• We're getting ready to host several nights of Poker, Pilsner & Pull-ups.  This is will be a fun fundraising poker game series that will help us raise money while allowing folks to engage in a little bit of their competitive edge among friends!

• We'd like to host several friends and family food fundraising nights at Rumba Cubana, Houlihans & right in our home!!!  Why not join us for $20 a plate/person and get some yummy food while donating to our baby-making fund.  Scrumptious, NO???  

• Interested in advertising your goods on our blog?!?  GREAT!  I am offering the opportunity for you to advertise on this blog now with 100% of funds going to our baby-making fund. Prices are negotiable, so contact me for more info.  Let me know if you or anyone you know might be interested....buy an ad to help us out! We can add you to our sidebar right now.  

As you have heard us say many times before....THANK YOU!  I am not sure that anyone knows how great it feels to be loved, cherished and considered by you, our loved ones, to receive your donations, support and love!   All of you already hold a dear spot in our hearts, as you are helping us get our baby and our dream of being mommies come true! As they say, all we need is a dollar and a dream....

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

************************************************************

ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

(Possible) Pregnancy after the BIG C word

I think most of you know that I am a survivor of having both my ovaries removed, along with my Fallopian tubes, due to low grade Ovarian Cancer tumors... thus the major contributor in choosing to go through a reciprocal-IVF process.   In addition to not having ovaries or fallopian tubes, I can't naturally produce hormones like other females do.  Inevitably, all of this leads to some level of questioning my ability to carry a pregnancy full-term.  Mind you, I'm not even there yet, but I AM WORRIED!

AND...so, I did it.  I did a preliminary search on Google to see what other ovarian cancer survivors have done to sustain their pregnancies.  Ummmm, the results I got were astonishing, though not exactly comforting [just yet], mostly because there's still not much info available on this anomaly.   What I did find was a recurring story of the world's first woman who becomes pregnant after a double ovary removal... dates for September 2013 in Australia!!!!  WHAT???!!!!!!!  NO other woman has ever become pregnant after having both ovaries removed?  I am not sure I believe that.  Because, then that means I may be woman number TWO in the world... Is that possible?

It turns out that the use of donor eggs in women who have had their ovaries removed wasn't medically introduced until 1983, in Australia.  That's only 30 years ago! Even then, not much research was done to support evidence that this was a true possibility.  It turns out that I am not the 2nd person on the planet who has TTC without ovaries, but either way there aren't many cases overall.  So much so, that even Google---the world's most brilliant researcher (LOL)-- is stumped by my question.

Anyhow... after asking our nurse & doctor (which is what I should have done in the first place) this same question, we found out that beginning at around 7wks gestation, the placenta will begin to make the estrogen and progesterone required to support pregnancy all on its own. COOL!!! Prior to my discharge from our Center, they will wean me off our current estrogen & progesterone meds to make sure my levels are stable. If not stable by time for discharge, I will be sent to our OB on more oral estrogen and/or progesterone. The OB will tell me when to stop it until the beginning of the 2nd trimester.

SO that's that... all's well that ends well.  It would have been nice if I was possibly number 2, but for now I will settle on having the ability to get to the finish line. The body is definitely a fascinating machine.  More info soon......

Most recent birth case (2013): 

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/sep/03/woman-pregnant-after-ovaries-removed-breakthrough

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/woman-pregnant-no-ovaries_n_3867239.html

Wanderlust

Sometimes I feel debilitated by the fear that I soon might have a life form in me...
and then I see an image of or read a story about a baby and my eyes and heart
become filled with tears.

Perhaps it is the unknown new beginning that I fear...
I create this desire to wander back and forth through the next ten months
to know that everything will be alright
or maybe what scared me the most is the fact that everything I believe
will spill over into another creature
intentionally or not.

We'll see what comes of it
of these feelings and of my fear
but here's to new beginnings
no matter what they might bring

Cocktail, anyone?

When we lived in Vegas, that's probably the most common phrase we heard while hanging at the Casinos...."Cocktails, anyone?" Now, that phrase has a totally different meaning...It includes a number of medications, appropriate timing, and various injection sites for two very baby-happy people.

For our first try we've been asked to do an Estrogen Priming Protocol. This regimen is usually used for women who have a lower ovarian reserve, are higher in age (35+), who may not respond the greatest with the standard meds, and/or tend to ovulate very early and have problems with lead follicles developing before stimulation.  It's a two menstruation cycle process, where during month 1 Sujey went to get BW & U/S on day one of her cycle followed by a tracking of LH (hormone) surge and ovulation. Once she surged (and then ovulated) we had to count 10 days from that surge (1/1/14) and start on the Vivelle Estrogen patches.  The idea is to give the body about 5-7 days of Estrogen Priming to help the ovaries suppress FSH and preserve egg production before the next menstrual cycle.  The day following she started Garnarelix injections for 3 days to keep from producing FSH.

A few days after the start of estrogen and Garnarelix and Sujey has her period for menstrual cycle #2 [I've never been this excited for any menstrual cycle in my life!!]!  Thus the fun begins.... We both get blood tested on day 2 of her cycle [She for hormone & repro checking..and, I have been maintaining the use of Estradiol to keep my uterine lining at a steady place, thus the doc has to measure the progress of my lining, keeping it fresh & sticky before the transplant].  From here on out Sujey's cocktail regimen is as follows for about 10-12 days:

Gonal-F (a.m.) - 2 days+

Gonal-F (p.m.) - 3 days+

Menopur (p.m.) - 3 days?

hCG (p.m.) - 3 days?

Garnirelix (maybe for another 3 nights)

On the day of the egg retrieval, I start my Doryx (2x/day) - 4 days, Medrol - 4 days, and progesterone for about 12 weeks.... which will include up to our 8th week of pregnancy if everything goes as wanted with a pregnancy on our first try! Somewhere in there the egg & sperm will meet and the magical transfer will occur into my uterus.  WOW!!!!

Sooooooo... Here's to a few days of cocktails with different benefits than the ones we enjoyed in Vegas, but with much greater lasting effects!

       

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.