One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

ISO: Courage (Day 1)

We recognize it's been a while since we last posted.... With all the energy of things happening around us, the ebbs and flows of life, it's hard to really put into words what it is that I/we are feeling these days; thus, we've slowed the mill down a bit.

I guess I wouldn't say we've been idling or standing still, but we definitely have had to slow down in our approaches to life and examine how it is we want to get where we are going...not just with baby-making, but with everything. Most notably with TTC, we're still looking for donations through PayPal (Button on the home page of this blog) and GoFundMe (http://www.gofundme.com/PGbabymakingfund), as well submitting a few grants and doing major planning on how to make this baby-thing work!!!

Partially what has prompted me (Laz) to write today is the fact that I received an email from Kat McNally asking all other bloggers of the universe to join her in April Moon, a reflective writing challenge for 14 days....  so, I reflect for the next 14 days (Bear with me).  I suppose this is timely as we approach the one year mark of my mom's passing, Easter (in the Christian, faith-based sense of the holiday), baby-making progress, and, well, just life.

Today's reflective word is COURAGE.

My heart starts to race because I can't think of my own courage. Actually, I thought of the Wizard of Oz's Cowardly Lion.  I struggle to picture what courage looks like.  I scroll through images in my brain of life events and courage doesn't stop at any one mark. I'm scared I forgot to bookmark it!  I have no recollection.  Perhaps, the issue is my fundamental understanding of courage or how I define courage. Or maybe it's that every one of my life events have been based on courage and so they are a big cluster. I struggle to determine if acknowledging that I HAVE been courageous is vain or if the fact that I can't figure out is some form of modesty.

Vastly, I find that it takes courage to face life everyday.  It takes courage to wake up every morning... it takes courage to communicate... it takes courage to see things through different lenses; to accept that no matter how life pans out, we are present and are supposed to be present in these very moments.  It takes courage to allow your self to sit in those moments and believe in what it is and possibly what it could be. Courage looks like a massive light coming from the heart and stepping up.  Courage is big... and, I guess, often un-acknowledged.  Perhaps the bigger challenge of the day is that I do not know how I feel... and it takes courage to say it out loud.

I acknowledge my unknown courage!!!  I acknowledge my past courageous self and my future courageous self, as they may be different.  I say it here, today.  Thank you for being courageous, Laz.. Thank you for being able to face the world in some form, every day.  Thank you to everyone else in my life who has allowed me to be courageous.  Please continue to support that.

That's my reflection for the day.  Oh and, how does this all relate to baby-making... well, it takes courage to try and want to bring a being into this world..put everything on the line to do so.  It takes courage to want to do that with another being...your life partner.. particularly when you are unsure of what life has to offer, at times.    How's that for courage???  <3

April Moon 14

We're In the Money!

No, we're really not necessarily in the money yet, but we hope to be (with your help)!  As many may know, we already started to put out our plea for funds to help us move forward in trying to have a baby, again!  Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a catchy name or title for our baby-making fund, but absolutely welcome any ideas you may have!

(in case you missed it) Here's how YOU can HELP:

• We've started our fundraising by creating a fund using PayPal on our blog.  That has been such a wonderful start! Very much like the support we got during our wedding, this has yielded a nice outcome thus far.  It seems this is a nice option for folks who just wanted to be extremely kindhearted & generous, want nothing in return and want to give. For folks who have so graciously donated via our PayPal link already, we can not say enough about how thankful we are for your donation.  For those who haven't...ummmm, get to it!  LOL...  At this point, I am definitely not too proud to beg folks for their money.   The truth is, we'll do whatever we can to have a family and don't plan on giving up anytime soon!!!  If you don't want to donate or can't, we understand....It's ok.  Just please make sure you spread the word to your affluent friends and have them donate :-)

• Next...I sell all-natural, homemade bath and body scrubs!  They are a really perfect piece for yourself or a gift for a loved one.  If you need great little gifts for teachers, family, or friends check out what I have available. They currently come in two sizes (6oz & 12oz) and four standard scents, BUT the choice are truly infinite... you can choose your choice of oil, salt/sugar & scent.   Want to know more... visit www.facebook.com/lilpfunkhouse to see pictures of my goods ... DO IT!!! We are additionally working on showcasing the scrubs in some local venues and events, so watch out for displays in a venue near you.  

• We're getting ready to host several nights of Poker, Pilsner & Pull-ups.  This is will be a fun fundraising poker game series that will help us raise money while allowing folks to engage in a little bit of their competitive edge among friends!

• We'd like to host several friends and family food fundraising nights at Rumba Cubana, Houlihans & right in our home!!!  Why not join us for $20 a plate/person and get some yummy food while donating to our baby-making fund.  Scrumptious, NO???  

• Interested in advertising your goods on our blog?!?  GREAT!  I am offering the opportunity for you to advertise on this blog now with 100% of funds going to our baby-making fund. Prices are negotiable, so contact me for more info.  Let me know if you or anyone you know might be interested....buy an ad to help us out! We can add you to our sidebar right now.  

As you have heard us say many times before....THANK YOU!  I am not sure that anyone knows how great it feels to be loved, cherished and considered by you, our loved ones, to receive your donations, support and love!   All of you already hold a dear spot in our hearts, as you are helping us get our baby and our dream of being mommies come true! As they say, all we need is a dollar and a dream....

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

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ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

Reflection

7:43a.m.
Driving in fog, not being able to see the distance
Reflections of the unknown
felt, yet not seen
The life beat...
The loss and the yearning to recreate the life it came from
Longing for what I've not even met before
Not bad, yet not good
but there's progress...
holding hands with hope
with a belief in miracles
anticipated and awaiting a sign
of what WILL come in the near future

Wanderlust

Sometimes I feel debilitated by the fear that I soon might have a life form in me...
and then I see an image of or read a story about a baby and my eyes and heart
become filled with tears.

Perhaps it is the unknown new beginning that I fear...
I create this desire to wander back and forth through the next ten months
to know that everything will be alright
or maybe what scared me the most is the fact that everything I believe
will spill over into another creature
intentionally or not.

We'll see what comes of it
of these feelings and of my fear
but here's to new beginnings
no matter what they might bring

The Perils and Privileges of Having a Baby

While our choice to try to conceive (TTC) is truly a blessing and an exciting one, it also comes with some challenges. One of the most taxing is the grueling financial aspect and monetary costs of creating a baby when you are in a same-sex marriage, trying to undergo reciprocal IVF and have a medical history that would impede you from trying other interventions in order to have this baby. Add to that the fact that we aren't the most "financially fit" folks in the world...at it's best, we are "average."

On the conservative side an estimate cost for egg retrieval, embryo lab, embryo transfer and monitoring can be about $18,000... that doesn't include any pre-authorization, medical clearances from other providers, medication, sperm selection/purchase, and all the other expenditures that go into the cost of TTC.  That's a lot!!!!  I mean, TONS of money. Our package from start to finish is costing us about $21,000...That is only for one cycle with no guarantee of a baby at the end!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  We have been fortunate, lucky, blessed, (insert word here) to have funds that have come from my parents, as well as a small loan I took out.. BUT WHAT THE HELL does everyone else do!  This is where we acknowledge our privilege.  Folks, we are excruciatingly thankful to everyone who has contributed to us monetarily, in spirit, in energy or just even in time (listening to us vent, cry & yell about this process).  

It saddens me that while we have been building this hope inside and can't wait to ATTEMPT to have a baby (again, no certainty in it), I still have to question what we would have done without any of the additional funds that have covered us.  We certainly wouldn't be able to support this endeavor financially in any other way.  A financial tip:  DO NOT APPLY FOR A FERTILITY LOAN... here's why. Applying for a unsecured personal loan will always be best, especially with iffy credit. Don't disclose that you will NEED the money for IVF.  When you do so, you are basically telling them you are going to get pregnant and its highly likely you would be leaving your place of employment to have a child and thus will be unemployed & might not be able to pay your loan. Renovations, holiday, debt consolidation, etc.... are better options. And so, here we are.  

A few of the things that helped us:

• Our private medical insurances covered any "pre-authorization" or pre-conception blood work and medical appointments.  Make sure to look into any coverage that might be offered.
• We used Ferring Pharmaceuticals’ h.e.a.r.t.+ Pharmacy Savings Program (offers significant savings on prescriptions for BRAVELLE®, MENOPUR®, ENDOMETRIN®, and NOVAREL®) at www.ferringfertility.com/heart..... as well as, Compassionate Care offered through EMD Serano for Gonal-f® medications at www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp.  (This online pharm might be able to asssit as well http://www.freedomfertility.com/default.aspx)
• We applied (and weren't granted the req) for a Baby Quest Foundation grant, which helps with any costs associated with IVF & TTC  at http://babyquestfoundation.org.  
• Other grants available: http://www.payitforwardfertility.org/grant-information/, http://www.cadefoundation.org/, etc?  
• Applied for fertility loan and were declined (but they were helpful, at http://www.fertilityfinance.net/)

Well, fingers crossed and we will be hoping for the BEST possible outcome.... beyond the financial investment, our hearts, mind and souls are fully integrated into this process.  Here's to our future!