Curious Cat (Day 13)

They say curiosity killed the cat.  But, how and why? A few posts ago, I wrote about texture and how it correlates with touch, to me.  Curiosity is closely in line with that past post... It's about touching, feeling, asking, and looking further to know more!  I love being curious.  I enjoy exploring. I like to go deeper than just the surface of things.  I like to know if there is more to things than what we see.  Curiosity is such a beautiful thing.   Of the many traits I have, I think this is the one that has gotten me farthest in life.  It has allowed me to "test the waters" so to speak... It has provided me with the bravery to get more info than I have in front of me.

As it stands, what are the things that I am curious about?  It goes without say that I am curious to know when our lil being will come to us.... I am curious to see what life will be like with that being?  Will they have my wife's amazing hair and her deep, inviting eyes?  What traits will they inherit from the sperm donor?  And, while I may not have "full" genetics in the making of this being, in what ways will they resemble me???

Oh, jeez there are so many things that I am curious about far beyond our lil being... but I will spare everyone the long post on my crazy curiosity!  I invite everyone to dig a lil deeper.  Go beyond what you see and explore the depths!!!  As the saying fully goes...."Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back".

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge. 

Day 9: Longing

Now we're talking! This I could totally relate to and is in line with the core existence of this blog... Today's prompt for our April Moon 2014's reflective writing is YEARNING.

Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time.  This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know...  It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.

It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE."  For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual.  But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh.  Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.

So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married.  It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together.  I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.  

With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant.  I long to physically be,  feel, go through, and  take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high!  Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!

We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.    

The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.

Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.

Eye on the Prize: Focus (Day 5)

Today's reflection is based on the word FOCUS... Here's my visual reflection on the term, rather than a lengthy written account.

To me, focus is about paying extra attention to details in order to reach a particular goal... Keeping your eye on the prize!  Currently, my wife & I have been focusing on trying to have a baby; yet, it seems so out of reach, out of focus even, at times.  This image captures it all.

Day 4: A Spiritual Grounding

Wikipedia (not the most reliable source, but we'll go with it) states that SACRED is the general state of being considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion.  Things are considered sacred when used for spiritual purposes or invoke some form of spiritual connection.  I love that today's prompt for our April Moon 2014 challenge is the word: SACRED. It stirs such deep, rooted, red/plum, warm energy throughout my system and I welcome it.  It's not often that we take time to recognize and revere that which we find sacred.  Here my list of sacred:

• My body/soul/self - ME!
• The unity between my wife & I
• Our journey towards creating a being
• My faith/spirituality
• My family bond
• The breath I breathe
• The reflecting/clarifying moments

The word sacred evokes a deeper connection within me... it's this unity with the soul, with the core of my being, with my body.. it brings forth the rituals we create around honoring ourselves and life.  I feel it rooted in my breath; inhaling what "good" I want from what I find sacred and exhaling all the "negative" that impedes from my connection. It recalls memories of my first discovery of my self, beyond that of the touch, but really trying to dissect the very parts of me that make me ME. It reminds me of my understanding of faith and spirituality; And, at some point in my life, my separation from conventional religion and a movement towards engaging in a more global practice of faith and healing (which can go hand-in-hand).  It calls up my deep desires of finding that energy in life that provides me a sense of spiritual grounding.  It actually even brings me to my yoga/meditation practices... and while I don't engage in them as often as I'd like, I find them to be part of my spiritual practice and honoring of my being.

In relation to our TTC process, as my wife and I have embarked in bringing a being into this universe, I have been searching for a variety of things/birthing aspects/motherhood-embracing/techniques/communities/yo-no-se-que that make our TTC experience meaningful and positive... sacred so-to-speak.  One of the most beautiful and conjuring [online] communities that I have found is SACRED PREGNANCY.  Just their mere images online invoke such amazing feelings in me.  It visually represents what I see and practice as sacred.  There aren't words to capture that feelings sometimes... In fact, it is often tears that come as a representation of what my soul wants to express.

Our journey is actually very scared to me... us. We've created this spiritual connection to this being that isn't here, yet garners our devotion wholeheartedly.  We honor it with positive affirmations, with positive intentions, with words of wisdom and ever present love. Our scared practices have now extra-embraced the welcoming of our being... they may not be here yet; but, we know they're with us.  Nonetheless... NAMASTE!

Close to the Heart (Day 3)

Yesterday I got to create this vivid encounter and reflection around the word JUICY; an account which seemed so easy and quick to put together unlike the the first day. Today, it again has taken me some time to write and reflect on the given prompt... HOME.  

So many things come to mind when I think of home.... I think of my mother (which is interesting because I, in theory, was raised in a two-parent home), mostly because no matter where I was in the world I knew I could always come "home" to her; 22nd street; my wife; our [unknown] family - wife, doggies, bab(ies), me; my sisters; even, Cuba. HOME..... HOME....Home makes me feel warm. Visually, I go to the heart. Literally, like what does my heart see/feel/identify with home. I guess that makes sense because as the saying goes "home is where the heart is." I read somewhere that a persons identity with "home" can physiologically influence a persons behavior, emotions, and overall mental health.  It manifests thoughts about who someone is, used to be, or might become. To me, home is a string of warmness that defines me at the heart; thus, all the things above.  Yup; that's certainly my case. 

Figuratively, home is on 22nd street, were I was born and raised.  Literally.... I was born premature from a warrior women who had a whirlwind life and went into labor early.  It was no coincidence I was given the name Lazara - but that's a whole other story.  With the little bit she had, no matter what, she created a home for us on 22nd street. Marriage, siblings, growing pains, and other events led us to settle in a specific house on 22nd, which is still the home my parents [dad] inhabits.  I have the best memories of this place!  It's never been the dream home, I'll tell you that much, but we've had births, birthdays, graduations, mysterious encounters, animals, laughs, cries, fights, and sadly even, parting goodbyes here.  My sisters and I always wanted more rooms; we wanted a new kitchen for my mother; we wanted more windows; we wanted to be able to run around; we wanted it to look "pretty."  We wanted so much, but the whole time we wouldn't ever let it go because it was HOME.  I've been away from this "home" in one form or another since 1997.   And still, it's interesting because no matter where I go, where I am, this house is my home.  

Though, things have changed a bit for me.... My home is becoming the space that my wife and I inhabit.  She embodies so much of what I long for in a home; similar to what my mom once created for me.  The picture isn't fully formed with the destination unknown yet, but it's coming up; I know it!  We are creating our home with every step, plan and breath we take.  The mere fact that we are trying to bring a being into this world is symbolic to the home we are building.  That heart string I spoke about earlier has extended from 22nd street and wrapped itself around my wife and I...moving with us to wherever we build our home.  I maintain that "home is where the heart it is"... it's whatever we dwell close to the heart.   

Day 2: Pour a lil sugar in my bowl

Reflection word of the day:  JUICY!

How sweet you are...

with your fresh color and aromatic skin

an essence both spicy and attractive

indigenous to the tropics

with a color as radiant as the sun

round, plump and thick in the right places

allowing me to pierce thru you and reach your core

providing me your succulent pulp

ripe, with the perfect juices

refreshing to my tongue

an unforgettable symbol of my femininity 

as well as that of the muse that I love

a reminder of my womb and the parts that surround it

that ability to cultivate from your own seed

natures boosts for my own fertility... 

Oh, mango, you are the sugar in my bowl  <3

**  A much more seductive twist than my previous post.  An ode to the nature of being and feeling juicy, to the fruit that reminds that being juicy is definitely alright! A fruit that is a representation of life, nature, femininity and fertility.  Here's to the mango...Enjoy! **