AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Wanderlust

Sometimes I feel debilitated by the fear that I soon might have a life form in me...
and then I see an image of or read a story about a baby and my eyes and heart
become filled with tears.

Perhaps it is the unknown new beginning that I fear...
I create this desire to wander back and forth through the next ten months
to know that everything will be alright
or maybe what scared me the most is the fact that everything I believe
will spill over into another creature
intentionally or not.

We'll see what comes of it
of these feelings and of my fear
but here's to new beginnings
no matter what they might bring

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

And the Winner Is...

Sperm Donor Banks (& egg donation centers) are the worlds gift to many folks who are trying to have a baby.  Some smart people got together many many years ago and decided "I've got it! Why don't we let folks who have tons of sperm to spare give it to a center, like a bank, and people can buy it when they need it!"  GENIUS IDEA! And to you folks that were in the Board room, I thank you!  Anyhow....

Selecting sperm from a donation bank is the equivalent of literally being the candy store that provides you every little detail on every piece of candy you might want.  It's so fascinating.  You have the option to select height, eye color, hair color AND texture, ethnicity, education, review their familial history, medical history, grade point average, career choice, their likes and dislikes, see childhood pics, and the list goes on... I joked with my wife that perhaps selection a life partner should be as invasive and detailed as sperm selection is. Though, who knows; the way technology is going, perhaps there will be options to only meet folks in such manners.... hmmmmmm.

We had some standard criteria we wanted to make sure that our donor had... features and education similar to me (Laz) since we will be getting the wonderful genetics of Sujey through the egg retrieval process for the making of our little embryo.   The added bonus was the we could surf through these individual's essays about themselves; value-based descriptions on who they would want to meet dead or alive; what lessons they would want their actual children to carry forward from them; person they are closest to & why; and, other minor things that really didn't mean much in the grand scope of things. At one point, Sujey and I were literally playing jeopardy with the donor options we had. We'd quiz each other a wide variety of topics (including family medical history, hair texture, current profession, favorite sports, and the categories go on...).

Nonetheless, we have chosen the winning donor that best suits us and meets most of our selection needs.  Are we nervous about what the outcome could be? of course!  Was it a hard decision?  Not as much as we thought it would be.  Are we scared that our child will one day want to know who/what contributed to their awesome self?  A lil bit.  Will we will ever call the sperm donor our child's "dad"?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  The job of the donor is to do just that... DONATE.  This individual has allowed for us to create our beautiful family, acknowledging that WE will be the parents... Mom2.  Our child will have two of the most wonderful, empowering, beautiful, and amazing mommies in the universe with the greatest support network of male role-models this world could provide...that won't be called dad!  We're excited and looking forward to what's yet to come... until then, step 136,234,999 COMPLETE! Thank you donor # 13017. Next...