One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

Day 14: She and I

For the penultimate word of the April Moon 2014 reflective writing challenge, we were tasked with focusing on COMFORT.  And for the sake of brevity, I'm going to create a Top Ten Comfort List, a-la (David) Letterman.

10. Being barefoot
9.  Delicious, moist cake! (judge me all you want; I find some comfort in food!)
8.  Sleeping
7.  Traveling
6.  Creating things (anything!)
5.  My friends
4.  Thoughts of/signs from my mother
3.  My dogs
2.  My family, especially my sisters and their children
1.  I find the most beautiful and heart-warming comfort in my wife.  I remember within the first year of dating, I told her how much I felt like she provided me with safety...Like I wanted to crawl into her skin and just rest there for a bit because she provided my THAT calm (of course I know that sounds creepy, but there is no other way to describe the feeling I had). She provides me the same energy I [used to] get from my mother.  She makes me feel like nothing can happen to me in her arms.  Perhaps, I don't say it as much as I wish, but comfort truly is she and I! There is absolutely no mistake in our joining and the fact that we will both bring a lil being into the world together... And, they, too, will experience that comfort soon.  <3

I wish you all a happy lunar eclipse tonight and new moon tomorrow!  Make your comforting wishes and may they all come true.

Curious Cat (Day 13)

They say curiosity killed the cat.  But, how and why? A few posts ago, I wrote about texture and how it correlates with touch, to me.  Curiosity is closely in line with that past post... It's about touching, feeling, asking, and looking further to know more!  I love being curious.  I enjoy exploring. I like to go deeper than just the surface of things.  I like to know if there is more to things than what we see.  Curiosity is such a beautiful thing.   Of the many traits I have, I think this is the one that has gotten me farthest in life.  It has allowed me to "test the waters" so to speak... It has provided me with the bravery to get more info than I have in front of me.

As it stands, what are the things that I am curious about?  It goes without say that I am curious to know when our lil being will come to us.... I am curious to see what life will be like with that being?  Will they have my wife's amazing hair and her deep, inviting eyes?  What traits will they inherit from the sperm donor?  And, while I may not have "full" genetics in the making of this being, in what ways will they resemble me???

Oh, jeez there are so many things that I am curious about far beyond our lil being... but I will spare everyone the long post on my crazy curiosity!  I invite everyone to dig a lil deeper.  Go beyond what you see and explore the depths!!!  As the saying fully goes...."Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back".

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge. 

Day 12: Namaste!

With only two days of reflective prompts to go, today's chosen word is FLOW. Flow evokes fluidity, wind, energy, breath....it brings to mind everyday life. It makes me think of the heart beat and our blood as it flows and its necessity for us to live. Flow in the psychological sense means full involvement or absorption in a process. I think of it more in the mechanical sense of ever-movement; the interchange of positive and negative energy to create a frequency. This actually brings me to my focus today...on [my] yoga [practice]. 

Generally (but not specifically), yoga consists of synchronized movement to the breath, creating a connection. This is done by transitioning from one pose on the inhale and then to the next on the exhale in a smooth way so that they almost run together and become rhythmic. It's interesting that my mind goes to yoga because at the root of it, yoga is meant to still the mind; to create a bigger connection between the self and the larger universe around you...but it does so through these flow of poses. In terms of the breath, it's not only about the flow of poses... it's about channeling all that you need from the universe upon your inhale and letting go of all the unnecessary upon your exhale.

I love that they call yoga a practice. Part of that flow is that it takes practice to create the purposeful rhythm. I'll be it, I am not the best illustration of a yogi. Quite frankly, it almost kills me to "practice" most days with people because here I am, this big woman, coming in to butcher the poses and block peoples view of the instructor. Then, I remind myself that yoga (in its purest form) isn't about showing off any particular ability and more about creating your own practice of movement with the self (yourself); honoring the ability that your body has, no matter how much or little it is. Of any form of practice, I find yoga to be my mental health provider, my gym, my spiritual praise and my time to reflect in on myself. I practice yoga, sometimes, like I use church [yes, I said use]; I practice when I am feeling my lowest... I practice when I need to feel better connected... I practice when I want to feel healthy. But, at the end of it all, yoga really is about the flow that is brings to my core being - the restorative connection it makes between my body and soul.

The flow of yoga allows us to find the sacred within our selves... So, with that I end by saying Namaste, as we do in yoga practice (and other moments to greet and acknowledge individuals). It means "I bow to the divine in you." I, Laz, validate your flow!

A Pawn in the Mirror (Day 11)

a year ago
how different things were
but in reality they stay the same
except that your body is not here
you laid there and i plead that you would not go
i looked into your eyes
hoping you had all these truths to tell
or that your voice would peer through
and tell me this was all a dream
i prayed that your secretes would become mine
and that your wisdom would spill into me
that i could see though your eyes
and believe, as you did, that everything would be alright

i think of you a lot
thoughts of you mean thoughts of me
thoughts of the warrior that once was
thoughts of my creation and my being
thoughts of your light and your thunder
for you were the ever-presence of Chango
i think of your transcendence into a greater existence
and how the inevitable happened in the most beautiful of ways

i reflect on the laughter and the lessons
and that anything that was negative almost seemed
like it vanished from my mind the day you psychically left
masking itself behind happy tails and joyful moments
but bitter is still there
and i will always remember that scorn

for i brought away from this much more than I paid for
i walked away with your smile, your eyes, and your soul
with the tools to guide me through my ventures
and the feet to keep me grounded in reality
and as i begin on my own voyage to becoming a mother warrior
i summons you to shower me with your knowledge, your rhythms and your rhyme
for I am the pawn staring in the mirror
and you are the reflection of the Queen i see

***NOTE:  In Chess and the accompanying image, I recognize that the reflection is that of pawn to king. 

Today's April Moon 2014 prompt was REFLECTION. To read more April Moon writings or join in on the adventure yourself, click on the image below. Happy writing!

Day 9: Longing

Now we're talking! This I could totally relate to and is in line with the core existence of this blog... Today's prompt for our April Moon 2014's reflective writing is YEARNING.

Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time.  This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know...  It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.

It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE."  For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual.  But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh.  Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.

So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married.  It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together.  I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.  

With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant.  I long to physically be,  feel, go through, and  take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high!  Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!

We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.    

The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.

Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.

Eye on the Prize: Focus (Day 5)

Today's reflection is based on the word FOCUS... Here's my visual reflection on the term, rather than a lengthy written account.

To me, focus is about paying extra attention to details in order to reach a particular goal... Keeping your eye on the prize!  Currently, my wife & I have been focusing on trying to have a baby; yet, it seems so out of reach, out of focus even, at times.  This image captures it all.

ISO: Courage (Day 1)

We recognize it's been a while since we last posted.... With all the energy of things happening around us, the ebbs and flows of life, it's hard to really put into words what it is that I/we are feeling these days; thus, we've slowed the mill down a bit.

I guess I wouldn't say we've been idling or standing still, but we definitely have had to slow down in our approaches to life and examine how it is we want to get where we are going...not just with baby-making, but with everything. Most notably with TTC, we're still looking for donations through PayPal (Button on the home page of this blog) and GoFundMe (http://www.gofundme.com/PGbabymakingfund), as well submitting a few grants and doing major planning on how to make this baby-thing work!!!

Partially what has prompted me (Laz) to write today is the fact that I received an email from Kat McNally asking all other bloggers of the universe to join her in April Moon, a reflective writing challenge for 14 days....  so, I reflect for the next 14 days (Bear with me).  I suppose this is timely as we approach the one year mark of my mom's passing, Easter (in the Christian, faith-based sense of the holiday), baby-making progress, and, well, just life.

Today's reflective word is COURAGE.

My heart starts to race because I can't think of my own courage. Actually, I thought of the Wizard of Oz's Cowardly Lion.  I struggle to picture what courage looks like.  I scroll through images in my brain of life events and courage doesn't stop at any one mark. I'm scared I forgot to bookmark it!  I have no recollection.  Perhaps, the issue is my fundamental understanding of courage or how I define courage. Or maybe it's that every one of my life events have been based on courage and so they are a big cluster. I struggle to determine if acknowledging that I HAVE been courageous is vain or if the fact that I can't figure out is some form of modesty.

Vastly, I find that it takes courage to face life everyday.  It takes courage to wake up every morning... it takes courage to communicate... it takes courage to see things through different lenses; to accept that no matter how life pans out, we are present and are supposed to be present in these very moments.  It takes courage to allow your self to sit in those moments and believe in what it is and possibly what it could be. Courage looks like a massive light coming from the heart and stepping up.  Courage is big... and, I guess, often un-acknowledged.  Perhaps the bigger challenge of the day is that I do not know how I feel... and it takes courage to say it out loud.

I acknowledge my unknown courage!!!  I acknowledge my past courageous self and my future courageous self, as they may be different.  I say it here, today.  Thank you for being courageous, Laz.. Thank you for being able to face the world in some form, every day.  Thank you to everyone else in my life who has allowed me to be courageous.  Please continue to support that.

That's my reflection for the day.  Oh and, how does this all relate to baby-making... well, it takes courage to try and want to bring a being into this world..put everything on the line to do so.  It takes courage to want to do that with another being...your life partner.. particularly when you are unsure of what life has to offer, at times.    How's that for courage???  <3

April Moon 14

We're In the Money!

No, we're really not necessarily in the money yet, but we hope to be (with your help)!  As many may know, we already started to put out our plea for funds to help us move forward in trying to have a baby, again!  Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a catchy name or title for our baby-making fund, but absolutely welcome any ideas you may have!

(in case you missed it) Here's how YOU can HELP:

• We've started our fundraising by creating a fund using PayPal on our blog.  That has been such a wonderful start! Very much like the support we got during our wedding, this has yielded a nice outcome thus far.  It seems this is a nice option for folks who just wanted to be extremely kindhearted & generous, want nothing in return and want to give. For folks who have so graciously donated via our PayPal link already, we can not say enough about how thankful we are for your donation.  For those who haven't...ummmm, get to it!  LOL...  At this point, I am definitely not too proud to beg folks for their money.   The truth is, we'll do whatever we can to have a family and don't plan on giving up anytime soon!!!  If you don't want to donate or can't, we understand....It's ok.  Just please make sure you spread the word to your affluent friends and have them donate :-)

• Next...I sell all-natural, homemade bath and body scrubs!  They are a really perfect piece for yourself or a gift for a loved one.  If you need great little gifts for teachers, family, or friends check out what I have available. They currently come in two sizes (6oz & 12oz) and four standard scents, BUT the choice are truly infinite... you can choose your choice of oil, salt/sugar & scent.   Want to know more... visit www.facebook.com/lilpfunkhouse to see pictures of my goods ... DO IT!!! We are additionally working on showcasing the scrubs in some local venues and events, so watch out for displays in a venue near you.  

• We're getting ready to host several nights of Poker, Pilsner & Pull-ups.  This is will be a fun fundraising poker game series that will help us raise money while allowing folks to engage in a little bit of their competitive edge among friends!

• We'd like to host several friends and family food fundraising nights at Rumba Cubana, Houlihans & right in our home!!!  Why not join us for $20 a plate/person and get some yummy food while donating to our baby-making fund.  Scrumptious, NO???  

• Interested in advertising your goods on our blog?!?  GREAT!  I am offering the opportunity for you to advertise on this blog now with 100% of funds going to our baby-making fund. Prices are negotiable, so contact me for more info.  Let me know if you or anyone you know might be interested....buy an ad to help us out! We can add you to our sidebar right now.  

As you have heard us say many times before....THANK YOU!  I am not sure that anyone knows how great it feels to be loved, cherished and considered by you, our loved ones, to receive your donations, support and love!   All of you already hold a dear spot in our hearts, as you are helping us get our baby and our dream of being mommies come true! As they say, all we need is a dollar and a dream....

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

************************************************************

ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

Reflection

7:43a.m.
Driving in fog, not being able to see the distance
Reflections of the unknown
felt, yet not seen
The life beat...
The loss and the yearning to recreate the life it came from
Longing for what I've not even met before
Not bad, yet not good
but there's progress...
holding hands with hope
with a belief in miracles
anticipated and awaiting a sign
of what WILL come in the near future

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.

And the Winner Is...

Sperm Donor Banks (& egg donation centers) are the worlds gift to many folks who are trying to have a baby.  Some smart people got together many many years ago and decided "I've got it! Why don't we let folks who have tons of sperm to spare give it to a center, like a bank, and people can buy it when they need it!"  GENIUS IDEA! And to you folks that were in the Board room, I thank you!  Anyhow....

Selecting sperm from a donation bank is the equivalent of literally being the candy store that provides you every little detail on every piece of candy you might want.  It's so fascinating.  You have the option to select height, eye color, hair color AND texture, ethnicity, education, review their familial history, medical history, grade point average, career choice, their likes and dislikes, see childhood pics, and the list goes on... I joked with my wife that perhaps selection a life partner should be as invasive and detailed as sperm selection is. Though, who knows; the way technology is going, perhaps there will be options to only meet folks in such manners.... hmmmmmm.

We had some standard criteria we wanted to make sure that our donor had... features and education similar to me (Laz) since we will be getting the wonderful genetics of Sujey through the egg retrieval process for the making of our little embryo.   The added bonus was the we could surf through these individual's essays about themselves; value-based descriptions on who they would want to meet dead or alive; what lessons they would want their actual children to carry forward from them; person they are closest to & why; and, other minor things that really didn't mean much in the grand scope of things. At one point, Sujey and I were literally playing jeopardy with the donor options we had. We'd quiz each other a wide variety of topics (including family medical history, hair texture, current profession, favorite sports, and the categories go on...).

Nonetheless, we have chosen the winning donor that best suits us and meets most of our selection needs.  Are we nervous about what the outcome could be? of course!  Was it a hard decision?  Not as much as we thought it would be.  Are we scared that our child will one day want to know who/what contributed to their awesome self?  A lil bit.  Will we will ever call the sperm donor our child's "dad"?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  The job of the donor is to do just that... DONATE.  This individual has allowed for us to create our beautiful family, acknowledging that WE will be the parents... Mom2.  Our child will have two of the most wonderful, empowering, beautiful, and amazing mommies in the universe with the greatest support network of male role-models this world could provide...that won't be called dad!  We're excited and looking forward to what's yet to come... until then, step 136,234,999 COMPLETE! Thank you donor # 13017. Next...

Post in Pictures...

Our journey, thus far.... in five pictures (give or take)!

1. Inspiration

2.  Infinite Blood Tests

3. Goofy Wife & Trans-V Ultrasounds

4. A Plethora of Injections 

5. Sperm Donor Selection Jeopardy

The Perils and Privileges of Having a Baby

While our choice to try to conceive (TTC) is truly a blessing and an exciting one, it also comes with some challenges. One of the most taxing is the grueling financial aspect and monetary costs of creating a baby when you are in a same-sex marriage, trying to undergo reciprocal IVF and have a medical history that would impede you from trying other interventions in order to have this baby. Add to that the fact that we aren't the most "financially fit" folks in the world...at it's best, we are "average."

On the conservative side an estimate cost for egg retrieval, embryo lab, embryo transfer and monitoring can be about $18,000... that doesn't include any pre-authorization, medical clearances from other providers, medication, sperm selection/purchase, and all the other expenditures that go into the cost of TTC.  That's a lot!!!!  I mean, TONS of money. Our package from start to finish is costing us about $21,000...That is only for one cycle with no guarantee of a baby at the end!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  We have been fortunate, lucky, blessed, (insert word here) to have funds that have come from my parents, as well as a small loan I took out.. BUT WHAT THE HELL does everyone else do!  This is where we acknowledge our privilege.  Folks, we are excruciatingly thankful to everyone who has contributed to us monetarily, in spirit, in energy or just even in time (listening to us vent, cry & yell about this process).  

It saddens me that while we have been building this hope inside and can't wait to ATTEMPT to have a baby (again, no certainty in it), I still have to question what we would have done without any of the additional funds that have covered us.  We certainly wouldn't be able to support this endeavor financially in any other way.  A financial tip:  DO NOT APPLY FOR A FERTILITY LOAN... here's why. Applying for a unsecured personal loan will always be best, especially with iffy credit. Don't disclose that you will NEED the money for IVF.  When you do so, you are basically telling them you are going to get pregnant and its highly likely you would be leaving your place of employment to have a child and thus will be unemployed & might not be able to pay your loan. Renovations, holiday, debt consolidation, etc.... are better options. And so, here we are.  

A few of the things that helped us:

• Our private medical insurances covered any "pre-authorization" or pre-conception blood work and medical appointments.  Make sure to look into any coverage that might be offered.
• We used Ferring Pharmaceuticals’ h.e.a.r.t.+ Pharmacy Savings Program (offers significant savings on prescriptions for BRAVELLE®, MENOPUR®, ENDOMETRIN®, and NOVAREL®) at www.ferringfertility.com/heart..... as well as, Compassionate Care offered through EMD Serano for Gonal-f® medications at www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp.  (This online pharm might be able to asssit as well http://www.freedomfertility.com/default.aspx)
• We applied (and weren't granted the req) for a Baby Quest Foundation grant, which helps with any costs associated with IVF & TTC  at http://babyquestfoundation.org.  
• Other grants available: http://www.payitforwardfertility.org/grant-information/, http://www.cadefoundation.org/, etc?  
• Applied for fertility loan and were declined (but they were helpful, at http://www.fertilityfinance.net/)

Well, fingers crossed and we will be hoping for the BEST possible outcome.... beyond the financial investment, our hearts, mind and souls are fully integrated into this process.  Here's to our future!  

On wanting to conceive...

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a child… in fact, during my childhood (ages 2-6) the only “girl” toys I had were baby dolls.  And really, it was about the role of being a mother. Throughout the years, I would re-create play time with my siblings and friend to make me the mom and lead caretaker in our games.  I would look at catalogs, fliers and magazines to select the child that was the one who looked most like me.  It became so customary that my mom, at the time, started to pick out children in magazines and say, “what do you think of this one?”  I would ask my mom, regardless of the size of our family, “Wouldn’t you want ANOTHER baby in our home?” 

Fast forward to 1998 (age, 18).  Prior to my second semester at University, I had been gone through consecutive years of lower abdominal "issues." On several occasions, I was even hospitalized.  After visiting seven doctors in the span of a week from unexplained excruciating pain, I was seen by a reproductive oncologist who finally figured out that the pains were stemming from an ovarian tumor.  I went through surgery and had a 35 lb. mass removed (yes, that big), along with my right ovary, fallopian tube & appendix, and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage 1A.  No other medical intervention was needed at the time, and since I was only 18 years, cryopreservation of any eggs from my “functioning” ovary didn't seem necessary.

In 2002, I started to experience many of the same symptoms I'd had before. Again, even though I was consistently being monitored by my oncologist, I developed another ovarian tumor on the other side.  I, again, underwent another surgery for a much smaller tumor, had the ovary removed along with other fallopian tube.  (BUT, I didn't know it was going to be so invasive at the time!) It wasn’t until 4 days later that I was told about the extent of the surgery.  I remember it like it was yesterday!  My life, what I thought was my purpose for living, my womanhood, my ability to bear a life was taken from me… it was taken without any warning.  My hope disappeared. An instant void was created.  At this point, I thought not only would I not be able to biologically create my own children, but it would cost me an unfathomable amount of money to scientifically try to do so.  

The years following the last surgery were difficult, but not unbearable.  I refocused on figuring out who I was, what other things life had to offer me, along with taking on bigger “adventures.” I thought that if I couldn’t conceive, it would be best to forget about being a mom for a while.  I traveled, lived in Europe, moved to Las Vegas, obtained my Master’s degree, dabbled in various job opportunities, and several relationships later found my soul mate (age, 32). 

Upon meeting my mate, a spark reignited.  A very scary spark…I saw in her what I hadn’t seen in others.  I saw compassion; I saw patience; I saw love; and, most importantly, I saw a future.  A future that included a family.  Though, what stood out to me most was my fear.  Here I was seeing my future, which now potentially included a family, with a FEMALE and no ability to have a child.  It hurt…. I hurt.    

Among our circle of same-sex female friends, quite a few were starting to conceive and have babies.  We inquired about the steps they took to create their families and the process of reciprocal IVF/ART was presented to us.  I was in shock, instantly scared, and in utter excitement all at once!  I knew enough about my medical well-being to know that I was “healthy” but wasn’t’ sure if I could be a candidate for IVF or if we even had the money to move forward with it.  After an extensive conversation with who is now my wife, we decided I should start getting re-checked physically and start looking into the possibility….using my uterus and her eggs.  

Much research and quite a few test/exams/labs later, and we received a confirmed YES to try to have a baby...which brings us up to date.  In the process, my mom died.  And, as sad as that truly & deeply is, she left me many beautiful & wonderful things… she left me her faith and a small pocket of funds, which is what we have started to use to support our initial process.  

There have been many tears throughout just the last few months of my life’s journey. I no longer feel the vast void brought on by my inability to biologically create a child, but I see possibility.  I have hope… I believe in our ability to be mothers; to bare our child… to create a family no different than many others.