Day 9: Longing

Now we're talking! This I could totally relate to and is in line with the core existence of this blog... Today's prompt for our April Moon 2014's reflective writing is YEARNING.

Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time.  This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know...  It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.

It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE."  For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual.  But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh.  Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.

So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married.  It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together.  I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.  

With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant.  I long to physically be,  feel, go through, and  take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high!  Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!

We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.    

The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.

Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

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ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

Reflection

7:43a.m.
Driving in fog, not being able to see the distance
Reflections of the unknown
felt, yet not seen
The life beat...
The loss and the yearning to recreate the life it came from
Longing for what I've not even met before
Not bad, yet not good
but there's progress...
holding hands with hope
with a belief in miracles
anticipated and awaiting a sign
of what WILL come in the near future

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.

And the Winner Is...

Sperm Donor Banks (& egg donation centers) are the worlds gift to many folks who are trying to have a baby.  Some smart people got together many many years ago and decided "I've got it! Why don't we let folks who have tons of sperm to spare give it to a center, like a bank, and people can buy it when they need it!"  GENIUS IDEA! And to you folks that were in the Board room, I thank you!  Anyhow....

Selecting sperm from a donation bank is the equivalent of literally being the candy store that provides you every little detail on every piece of candy you might want.  It's so fascinating.  You have the option to select height, eye color, hair color AND texture, ethnicity, education, review their familial history, medical history, grade point average, career choice, their likes and dislikes, see childhood pics, and the list goes on... I joked with my wife that perhaps selection a life partner should be as invasive and detailed as sperm selection is. Though, who knows; the way technology is going, perhaps there will be options to only meet folks in such manners.... hmmmmmm.

We had some standard criteria we wanted to make sure that our donor had... features and education similar to me (Laz) since we will be getting the wonderful genetics of Sujey through the egg retrieval process for the making of our little embryo.   The added bonus was the we could surf through these individual's essays about themselves; value-based descriptions on who they would want to meet dead or alive; what lessons they would want their actual children to carry forward from them; person they are closest to & why; and, other minor things that really didn't mean much in the grand scope of things. At one point, Sujey and I were literally playing jeopardy with the donor options we had. We'd quiz each other a wide variety of topics (including family medical history, hair texture, current profession, favorite sports, and the categories go on...).

Nonetheless, we have chosen the winning donor that best suits us and meets most of our selection needs.  Are we nervous about what the outcome could be? of course!  Was it a hard decision?  Not as much as we thought it would be.  Are we scared that our child will one day want to know who/what contributed to their awesome self?  A lil bit.  Will we will ever call the sperm donor our child's "dad"?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  The job of the donor is to do just that... DONATE.  This individual has allowed for us to create our beautiful family, acknowledging that WE will be the parents... Mom2.  Our child will have two of the most wonderful, empowering, beautiful, and amazing mommies in the universe with the greatest support network of male role-models this world could provide...that won't be called dad!  We're excited and looking forward to what's yet to come... until then, step 136,234,999 COMPLETE! Thank you donor # 13017. Next...

Post in Pictures...

Our journey, thus far.... in five pictures (give or take)!

1. Inspiration

2.  Infinite Blood Tests

3. Goofy Wife & Trans-V Ultrasounds

4. A Plethora of Injections 

5. Sperm Donor Selection Jeopardy

The Perils and Privileges of Having a Baby

While our choice to try to conceive (TTC) is truly a blessing and an exciting one, it also comes with some challenges. One of the most taxing is the grueling financial aspect and monetary costs of creating a baby when you are in a same-sex marriage, trying to undergo reciprocal IVF and have a medical history that would impede you from trying other interventions in order to have this baby. Add to that the fact that we aren't the most "financially fit" folks in the world...at it's best, we are "average."

On the conservative side an estimate cost for egg retrieval, embryo lab, embryo transfer and monitoring can be about $18,000... that doesn't include any pre-authorization, medical clearances from other providers, medication, sperm selection/purchase, and all the other expenditures that go into the cost of TTC.  That's a lot!!!!  I mean, TONS of money. Our package from start to finish is costing us about $21,000...That is only for one cycle with no guarantee of a baby at the end!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  We have been fortunate, lucky, blessed, (insert word here) to have funds that have come from my parents, as well as a small loan I took out.. BUT WHAT THE HELL does everyone else do!  This is where we acknowledge our privilege.  Folks, we are excruciatingly thankful to everyone who has contributed to us monetarily, in spirit, in energy or just even in time (listening to us vent, cry & yell about this process).  

It saddens me that while we have been building this hope inside and can't wait to ATTEMPT to have a baby (again, no certainty in it), I still have to question what we would have done without any of the additional funds that have covered us.  We certainly wouldn't be able to support this endeavor financially in any other way.  A financial tip:  DO NOT APPLY FOR A FERTILITY LOAN... here's why. Applying for a unsecured personal loan will always be best, especially with iffy credit. Don't disclose that you will NEED the money for IVF.  When you do so, you are basically telling them you are going to get pregnant and its highly likely you would be leaving your place of employment to have a child and thus will be unemployed & might not be able to pay your loan. Renovations, holiday, debt consolidation, etc.... are better options. And so, here we are.  

A few of the things that helped us:

• Our private medical insurances covered any "pre-authorization" or pre-conception blood work and medical appointments.  Make sure to look into any coverage that might be offered.
• We used Ferring Pharmaceuticals’ h.e.a.r.t.+ Pharmacy Savings Program (offers significant savings on prescriptions for BRAVELLE®, MENOPUR®, ENDOMETRIN®, and NOVAREL®) at www.ferringfertility.com/heart..... as well as, Compassionate Care offered through EMD Serano for Gonal-f® medications at www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp.  (This online pharm might be able to asssit as well http://www.freedomfertility.com/default.aspx)
• We applied (and weren't granted the req) for a Baby Quest Foundation grant, which helps with any costs associated with IVF & TTC  at http://babyquestfoundation.org.  
• Other grants available: http://www.payitforwardfertility.org/grant-information/, http://www.cadefoundation.org/, etc?  
• Applied for fertility loan and were declined (but they were helpful, at http://www.fertilityfinance.net/)

Well, fingers crossed and we will be hoping for the BEST possible outcome.... beyond the financial investment, our hearts, mind and souls are fully integrated into this process.  Here's to our future!  

On wanting to conceive...

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a child… in fact, during my childhood (ages 2-6) the only “girl” toys I had were baby dolls.  And really, it was about the role of being a mother. Throughout the years, I would re-create play time with my siblings and friend to make me the mom and lead caretaker in our games.  I would look at catalogs, fliers and magazines to select the child that was the one who looked most like me.  It became so customary that my mom, at the time, started to pick out children in magazines and say, “what do you think of this one?”  I would ask my mom, regardless of the size of our family, “Wouldn’t you want ANOTHER baby in our home?” 

Fast forward to 1998 (age, 18).  Prior to my second semester at University, I had been gone through consecutive years of lower abdominal "issues." On several occasions, I was even hospitalized.  After visiting seven doctors in the span of a week from unexplained excruciating pain, I was seen by a reproductive oncologist who finally figured out that the pains were stemming from an ovarian tumor.  I went through surgery and had a 35 lb. mass removed (yes, that big), along with my right ovary, fallopian tube & appendix, and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage 1A.  No other medical intervention was needed at the time, and since I was only 18 years, cryopreservation of any eggs from my “functioning” ovary didn't seem necessary.

In 2002, I started to experience many of the same symptoms I'd had before. Again, even though I was consistently being monitored by my oncologist, I developed another ovarian tumor on the other side.  I, again, underwent another surgery for a much smaller tumor, had the ovary removed along with other fallopian tube.  (BUT, I didn't know it was going to be so invasive at the time!) It wasn’t until 4 days later that I was told about the extent of the surgery.  I remember it like it was yesterday!  My life, what I thought was my purpose for living, my womanhood, my ability to bear a life was taken from me… it was taken without any warning.  My hope disappeared. An instant void was created.  At this point, I thought not only would I not be able to biologically create my own children, but it would cost me an unfathomable amount of money to scientifically try to do so.  

The years following the last surgery were difficult, but not unbearable.  I refocused on figuring out who I was, what other things life had to offer me, along with taking on bigger “adventures.” I thought that if I couldn’t conceive, it would be best to forget about being a mom for a while.  I traveled, lived in Europe, moved to Las Vegas, obtained my Master’s degree, dabbled in various job opportunities, and several relationships later found my soul mate (age, 32). 

Upon meeting my mate, a spark reignited.  A very scary spark…I saw in her what I hadn’t seen in others.  I saw compassion; I saw patience; I saw love; and, most importantly, I saw a future.  A future that included a family.  Though, what stood out to me most was my fear.  Here I was seeing my future, which now potentially included a family, with a FEMALE and no ability to have a child.  It hurt…. I hurt.    

Among our circle of same-sex female friends, quite a few were starting to conceive and have babies.  We inquired about the steps they took to create their families and the process of reciprocal IVF/ART was presented to us.  I was in shock, instantly scared, and in utter excitement all at once!  I knew enough about my medical well-being to know that I was “healthy” but wasn’t’ sure if I could be a candidate for IVF or if we even had the money to move forward with it.  After an extensive conversation with who is now my wife, we decided I should start getting re-checked physically and start looking into the possibility….using my uterus and her eggs.  

Much research and quite a few test/exams/labs later, and we received a confirmed YES to try to have a baby...which brings us up to date.  In the process, my mom died.  And, as sad as that truly & deeply is, she left me many beautiful & wonderful things… she left me her faith and a small pocket of funds, which is what we have started to use to support our initial process.  

There have been many tears throughout just the last few months of my life’s journey. I no longer feel the vast void brought on by my inability to biologically create a child, but I see possibility.  I have hope… I believe in our ability to be mothers; to bare our child… to create a family no different than many others.