One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

Day 14: She and I

For the penultimate word of the April Moon 2014 reflective writing challenge, we were tasked with focusing on COMFORT.  And for the sake of brevity, I'm going to create a Top Ten Comfort List, a-la (David) Letterman.

10. Being barefoot
9.  Delicious, moist cake! (judge me all you want; I find some comfort in food!)
8.  Sleeping
7.  Traveling
6.  Creating things (anything!)
5.  My friends
4.  Thoughts of/signs from my mother
3.  My dogs
2.  My family, especially my sisters and their children
1.  I find the most beautiful and heart-warming comfort in my wife.  I remember within the first year of dating, I told her how much I felt like she provided me with safety...Like I wanted to crawl into her skin and just rest there for a bit because she provided my THAT calm (of course I know that sounds creepy, but there is no other way to describe the feeling I had). She provides me the same energy I [used to] get from my mother.  She makes me feel like nothing can happen to me in her arms.  Perhaps, I don't say it as much as I wish, but comfort truly is she and I! There is absolutely no mistake in our joining and the fact that we will both bring a lil being into the world together... And, they, too, will experience that comfort soon.  <3

I wish you all a happy lunar eclipse tonight and new moon tomorrow!  Make your comforting wishes and may they all come true.

Curious Cat (Day 13)

They say curiosity killed the cat.  But, how and why? A few posts ago, I wrote about texture and how it correlates with touch, to me.  Curiosity is closely in line with that past post... It's about touching, feeling, asking, and looking further to know more!  I love being curious.  I enjoy exploring. I like to go deeper than just the surface of things.  I like to know if there is more to things than what we see.  Curiosity is such a beautiful thing.   Of the many traits I have, I think this is the one that has gotten me farthest in life.  It has allowed me to "test the waters" so to speak... It has provided me with the bravery to get more info than I have in front of me.

As it stands, what are the things that I am curious about?  It goes without say that I am curious to know when our lil being will come to us.... I am curious to see what life will be like with that being?  Will they have my wife's amazing hair and her deep, inviting eyes?  What traits will they inherit from the sperm donor?  And, while I may not have "full" genetics in the making of this being, in what ways will they resemble me???

Oh, jeez there are so many things that I am curious about far beyond our lil being... but I will spare everyone the long post on my crazy curiosity!  I invite everyone to dig a lil deeper.  Go beyond what you see and explore the depths!!!  As the saying fully goes...."Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back".

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge. 

Day 12: Namaste!

With only two days of reflective prompts to go, today's chosen word is FLOW. Flow evokes fluidity, wind, energy, breath....it brings to mind everyday life. It makes me think of the heart beat and our blood as it flows and its necessity for us to live. Flow in the psychological sense means full involvement or absorption in a process. I think of it more in the mechanical sense of ever-movement; the interchange of positive and negative energy to create a frequency. This actually brings me to my focus today...on [my] yoga [practice]. 

Generally (but not specifically), yoga consists of synchronized movement to the breath, creating a connection. This is done by transitioning from one pose on the inhale and then to the next on the exhale in a smooth way so that they almost run together and become rhythmic. It's interesting that my mind goes to yoga because at the root of it, yoga is meant to still the mind; to create a bigger connection between the self and the larger universe around you...but it does so through these flow of poses. In terms of the breath, it's not only about the flow of poses... it's about channeling all that you need from the universe upon your inhale and letting go of all the unnecessary upon your exhale.

I love that they call yoga a practice. Part of that flow is that it takes practice to create the purposeful rhythm. I'll be it, I am not the best illustration of a yogi. Quite frankly, it almost kills me to "practice" most days with people because here I am, this big woman, coming in to butcher the poses and block peoples view of the instructor. Then, I remind myself that yoga (in its purest form) isn't about showing off any particular ability and more about creating your own practice of movement with the self (yourself); honoring the ability that your body has, no matter how much or little it is. Of any form of practice, I find yoga to be my mental health provider, my gym, my spiritual praise and my time to reflect in on myself. I practice yoga, sometimes, like I use church [yes, I said use]; I practice when I am feeling my lowest... I practice when I need to feel better connected... I practice when I want to feel healthy. But, at the end of it all, yoga really is about the flow that is brings to my core being - the restorative connection it makes between my body and soul.

The flow of yoga allows us to find the sacred within our selves... So, with that I end by saying Namaste, as we do in yoga practice (and other moments to greet and acknowledge individuals). It means "I bow to the divine in you." I, Laz, validate your flow!

A Pawn in the Mirror (Day 11)

a year ago
how different things were
but in reality they stay the same
except that your body is not here
you laid there and i plead that you would not go
i looked into your eyes
hoping you had all these truths to tell
or that your voice would peer through
and tell me this was all a dream
i prayed that your secretes would become mine
and that your wisdom would spill into me
that i could see though your eyes
and believe, as you did, that everything would be alright

i think of you a lot
thoughts of you mean thoughts of me
thoughts of the warrior that once was
thoughts of my creation and my being
thoughts of your light and your thunder
for you were the ever-presence of Chango
i think of your transcendence into a greater existence
and how the inevitable happened in the most beautiful of ways

i reflect on the laughter and the lessons
and that anything that was negative almost seemed
like it vanished from my mind the day you psychically left
masking itself behind happy tails and joyful moments
but bitter is still there
and i will always remember that scorn

for i brought away from this much more than I paid for
i walked away with your smile, your eyes, and your soul
with the tools to guide me through my ventures
and the feet to keep me grounded in reality
and as i begin on my own voyage to becoming a mother warrior
i summons you to shower me with your knowledge, your rhythms and your rhyme
for I am the pawn staring in the mirror
and you are the reflection of the Queen i see

***NOTE:  In Chess and the accompanying image, I recognize that the reflection is that of pawn to king. 

Today's April Moon 2014 prompt was REFLECTION. To read more April Moon writings or join in on the adventure yourself, click on the image below. Happy writing!

Shhhh.... Day 10

So, what's your dirty little secret?  Actually, I really don't want to know; but it's fun to say that particular phrase.... Today's prompt for reflection is SECRET. It's funny because not all secrets are dirty or even forbidden, but that's where my mind goes to.  When I think of this word of think of the lyrics by The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret. I think I might have to directly to answering the prompt questions for this one, because otherwise I could probably write a book on experiences and events that involve all the secrets I've heard throughout my life.

What feelings does this word evoke? What sorts of memories does it recall? Which of your senses start to tingle? How would you represent what this word means to you?

The word secret evokes such interesting feelings in me. I makes me think of gossip, of celebrations, of surprises, of embarrassing moments... particularly, of an event that taught me a HUGE lesson in the 6th grade.  The word secret makes my nose twitch in that I Dream of Genie way...and, my finger wiggle like a mad scientist who has discovered an anecdote...LOL.  I find some secrets to be fun - especially when it involves happy moments; but mostly, I find secrets so DAMN FRUSTRATING.  They irk me and make me feel uncomfortable and cause me anxiety (seriously).    

About that story from the 6th grade:  Back in the day, was "friends" with a few young girls that I would now call misfits.  One of these friends, we'll name her "R," told me a fabricated secret about another friend, "S".  R made up this elaborate tale about the whereabouts and lifestyle of S, instigating matters and flat-out talking trash.  I could care less about what was happening, seeming that I had enough things happening at that young age, and apparently R didn't like that her "secret" stirred nothing in me.  The next day R tells S that I said some judgmental things that I will not repeat, nor would they have ever come out of my mouth that young, and S showed up at my house with some friends ready to beat me up!  HOLY SHIT, I was scared... Like, scared for my life.  I remember my mom marched right outside and confronted everyone of those ladies and almost smacked them up; she called their parents (because she knew them) and she called the school to let them know what had happened.  She threatened the school and said that if anything happened to me while I was there, she would personally come and make sure the school was closed down... That's the type of woman my mom was (clearly, I learned a lot from her!).  I remember the teachers and other classmates asking me why they needed to ensure that R stayed away from me, and all I would say was that it was personal matters.  I never once again opened my mouth up about that story, ever again.  I never confronted R or actually, saw S again.  Mainly what this incident taught me was that I NEVER wanted to be near a "secret," fabricated or not, ever in my life again.  

I've done pretty well to steer clear of secrets.  Often if anyone tells me they have a secret, I do my best to tell them I don't really want to know anything (or I physically forget what they've told pretty quickly after the story is over)... I mean, I enjoy gossip like the next person, but I don't want to bear the weight of knowing things I shouldn't or don't really care about.  NOPE!!!  I feel like secretes weigh too much on me... on my soul.  I even think that secretes can hurt, so I do my best to not be involved in many.  Actually, I have this personal rule of transparency.  I rather be an open book, than have to have someone DIG to get information from me.  As I've stated many times in this blog, I am a big over-sharer. Anyhow... Secrets. Have them if you wish, but they're more than they're worth in my life.  

See more reflective prompts at April Moon 2014

 

Day 9: Longing

Now we're talking! This I could totally relate to and is in line with the core existence of this blog... Today's prompt for our April Moon 2014's reflective writing is YEARNING.

Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time.  This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know...  It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.

It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE."  For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual.  But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh.  Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.

So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married.  It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together.  I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.  

With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant.  I long to physically be,  feel, go through, and  take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high!  Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!

We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.    

The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.

Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.

At a loss... (Day 7 & 8)

I'm at a complete loss. Jeez...Seriously! I felt like I was on a roll with the writing thing/reflection prompts, and now it's been so hard to write or even put a visual up about my last two prompts. I have looked the words up in the dictionary (I've actually had to do that with all the prompts); nothing.  I even Google'd the two words (separate and together) to see if any images inspired the writing; And, nothing.  Actually, I feel like my mind has been all over the place these past few months; but, is that not the case for me all the time? I can't focus (interestingly that was my last reflection). With baby making, professional journeys, parting of friends, working on married-life, family managing, and all the other ebbs and flows, there has been this constant go-go-go and jumbling of emotions. Anyhow...I'm gonna give it a go and see where I get.  

For Day 7 of April Moon 2014 we've been bequeathed with TEXTURE as our reflective word.  Texture by definition is the visual and physical characteristic of an object... that which adds definition. Texture makes me think of touching things.. feeling them.  I think of my hands... I think of art.. I think of how materials become alive through their texture.  I'm actually giggling a bit because all of my life I have LOVED to touch things.  Some part of it is for curiosity's sake, but mostly focused on really wanting to feel things.  I study it's curves, jagged edges, crevices, bold shapes and structures for art's sake.  There is a certain texture in all of that.  My dad seems to have the same fascination with touch and it's artistry.  He was worked in some form of carpentry/craftsmen trade all my life and I love seeing him in action.   He would paint a wall and like to feel the smoothness of the strokes... he hammers and is mesmerized by the structure if it has brought together... he walks into a room and can tell you what material most items are made of.  He's this artistic genius.  I feel I have become him... I inspect things to know what they are made of. I constantly say to myself "I'm my dad's daughter."  And, come to think of it, that's kinda neat. Texture is fascinating because if you close your eyes, in order to get to know something, many times we go straight for touch.  

And, Day 8.... WILD... untamed. That is a fun word, but how do I describe it.... I think of hair. I think of wilderness. I think of the Wild, Wild, West (where my heart is at times).  I think of "unabashed" and "unconventional" behavior.  I think of adventure.  I don't just think of on thing... So, I leave you with a single image for this one.  Perhaps, you can reflect on the "wild" in it?

Quvenzhane Wallis in the "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

To be part of the April Moon 2014 reflection circle or to just read what others are writing, visit Kat McNally's site by clicking the image below... Happy writing! 

Subtlty: Day 6

nu·ance

ˈn(y)o͞oˌäns/

noun

1. 1.

   a subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound.  

...As in the way we say things.. Nuance reminds me of the hidden meanings behind punctuation and tone.  Point in case:  

Otherwise, I'm at a loss for words on this one.... but, I try to change my thoughts around situations (especially with a failed attempt at making the lil bieng) when I think the work impossible... this is a wonderful twist.  I'm possible!  Us having a lil being is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE.  That's my nuance.  <3 

Check out other writing amzingness with Kat McNally (and other great beings) at April Moon 2014. 

Eye on the Prize: Focus (Day 5)

Today's reflection is based on the word FOCUS... Here's my visual reflection on the term, rather than a lengthy written account.

To me, focus is about paying extra attention to details in order to reach a particular goal... Keeping your eye on the prize!  Currently, my wife & I have been focusing on trying to have a baby; yet, it seems so out of reach, out of focus even, at times.  This image captures it all.

Day 4: A Spiritual Grounding

Wikipedia (not the most reliable source, but we'll go with it) states that SACRED is the general state of being considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion.  Things are considered sacred when used for spiritual purposes or invoke some form of spiritual connection.  I love that today's prompt for our April Moon 2014 challenge is the word: SACRED. It stirs such deep, rooted, red/plum, warm energy throughout my system and I welcome it.  It's not often that we take time to recognize and revere that which we find sacred.  Here my list of sacred:

• My body/soul/self - ME!
• The unity between my wife & I
• Our journey towards creating a being
• My faith/spirituality
• My family bond
• The breath I breathe
• The reflecting/clarifying moments

The word sacred evokes a deeper connection within me... it's this unity with the soul, with the core of my being, with my body.. it brings forth the rituals we create around honoring ourselves and life.  I feel it rooted in my breath; inhaling what "good" I want from what I find sacred and exhaling all the "negative" that impedes from my connection. It recalls memories of my first discovery of my self, beyond that of the touch, but really trying to dissect the very parts of me that make me ME. It reminds me of my understanding of faith and spirituality; And, at some point in my life, my separation from conventional religion and a movement towards engaging in a more global practice of faith and healing (which can go hand-in-hand).  It calls up my deep desires of finding that energy in life that provides me a sense of spiritual grounding.  It actually even brings me to my yoga/meditation practices... and while I don't engage in them as often as I'd like, I find them to be part of my spiritual practice and honoring of my being.

In relation to our TTC process, as my wife and I have embarked in bringing a being into this universe, I have been searching for a variety of things/birthing aspects/motherhood-embracing/techniques/communities/yo-no-se-que that make our TTC experience meaningful and positive... sacred so-to-speak.  One of the most beautiful and conjuring [online] communities that I have found is SACRED PREGNANCY.  Just their mere images online invoke such amazing feelings in me.  It visually represents what I see and practice as sacred.  There aren't words to capture that feelings sometimes... In fact, it is often tears that come as a representation of what my soul wants to express.

Our journey is actually very scared to me... us. We've created this spiritual connection to this being that isn't here, yet garners our devotion wholeheartedly.  We honor it with positive affirmations, with positive intentions, with words of wisdom and ever present love. Our scared practices have now extra-embraced the welcoming of our being... they may not be here yet; but, we know they're with us.  Nonetheless... NAMASTE!

Close to the Heart (Day 3)

Yesterday I got to create this vivid encounter and reflection around the word JUICY; an account which seemed so easy and quick to put together unlike the the first day. Today, it again has taken me some time to write and reflect on the given prompt... HOME.  

So many things come to mind when I think of home.... I think of my mother (which is interesting because I, in theory, was raised in a two-parent home), mostly because no matter where I was in the world I knew I could always come "home" to her; 22nd street; my wife; our [unknown] family - wife, doggies, bab(ies), me; my sisters; even, Cuba. HOME..... HOME....Home makes me feel warm. Visually, I go to the heart. Literally, like what does my heart see/feel/identify with home. I guess that makes sense because as the saying goes "home is where the heart is." I read somewhere that a persons identity with "home" can physiologically influence a persons behavior, emotions, and overall mental health.  It manifests thoughts about who someone is, used to be, or might become. To me, home is a string of warmness that defines me at the heart; thus, all the things above.  Yup; that's certainly my case. 

Figuratively, home is on 22nd street, were I was born and raised.  Literally.... I was born premature from a warrior women who had a whirlwind life and went into labor early.  It was no coincidence I was given the name Lazara - but that's a whole other story.  With the little bit she had, no matter what, she created a home for us on 22nd street. Marriage, siblings, growing pains, and other events led us to settle in a specific house on 22nd, which is still the home my parents [dad] inhabits.  I have the best memories of this place!  It's never been the dream home, I'll tell you that much, but we've had births, birthdays, graduations, mysterious encounters, animals, laughs, cries, fights, and sadly even, parting goodbyes here.  My sisters and I always wanted more rooms; we wanted a new kitchen for my mother; we wanted more windows; we wanted to be able to run around; we wanted it to look "pretty."  We wanted so much, but the whole time we wouldn't ever let it go because it was HOME.  I've been away from this "home" in one form or another since 1997.   And still, it's interesting because no matter where I go, where I am, this house is my home.  

Though, things have changed a bit for me.... My home is becoming the space that my wife and I inhabit.  She embodies so much of what I long for in a home; similar to what my mom once created for me.  The picture isn't fully formed with the destination unknown yet, but it's coming up; I know it!  We are creating our home with every step, plan and breath we take.  The mere fact that we are trying to bring a being into this world is symbolic to the home we are building.  That heart string I spoke about earlier has extended from 22nd street and wrapped itself around my wife and I...moving with us to wherever we build our home.  I maintain that "home is where the heart it is"... it's whatever we dwell close to the heart.   

Day 2: Pour a lil sugar in my bowl

Reflection word of the day:  JUICY!

How sweet you are...

with your fresh color and aromatic skin

an essence both spicy and attractive

indigenous to the tropics

with a color as radiant as the sun

round, plump and thick in the right places

allowing me to pierce thru you and reach your core

providing me your succulent pulp

ripe, with the perfect juices

refreshing to my tongue

an unforgettable symbol of my femininity 

as well as that of the muse that I love

a reminder of my womb and the parts that surround it

that ability to cultivate from your own seed

natures boosts for my own fertility... 

Oh, mango, you are the sugar in my bowl  <3

**  A much more seductive twist than my previous post.  An ode to the nature of being and feeling juicy, to the fruit that reminds that being juicy is definitely alright! A fruit that is a representation of life, nature, femininity and fertility.  Here's to the mango...Enjoy! **
  

ISO: Courage (Day 1)

We recognize it's been a while since we last posted.... With all the energy of things happening around us, the ebbs and flows of life, it's hard to really put into words what it is that I/we are feeling these days; thus, we've slowed the mill down a bit.

I guess I wouldn't say we've been idling or standing still, but we definitely have had to slow down in our approaches to life and examine how it is we want to get where we are going...not just with baby-making, but with everything. Most notably with TTC, we're still looking for donations through PayPal (Button on the home page of this blog) and GoFundMe (http://www.gofundme.com/PGbabymakingfund), as well submitting a few grants and doing major planning on how to make this baby-thing work!!!

Partially what has prompted me (Laz) to write today is the fact that I received an email from Kat McNally asking all other bloggers of the universe to join her in April Moon, a reflective writing challenge for 14 days....  so, I reflect for the next 14 days (Bear with me).  I suppose this is timely as we approach the one year mark of my mom's passing, Easter (in the Christian, faith-based sense of the holiday), baby-making progress, and, well, just life.

Today's reflective word is COURAGE.

My heart starts to race because I can't think of my own courage. Actually, I thought of the Wizard of Oz's Cowardly Lion.  I struggle to picture what courage looks like.  I scroll through images in my brain of life events and courage doesn't stop at any one mark. I'm scared I forgot to bookmark it!  I have no recollection.  Perhaps, the issue is my fundamental understanding of courage or how I define courage. Or maybe it's that every one of my life events have been based on courage and so they are a big cluster. I struggle to determine if acknowledging that I HAVE been courageous is vain or if the fact that I can't figure out is some form of modesty.

Vastly, I find that it takes courage to face life everyday.  It takes courage to wake up every morning... it takes courage to communicate... it takes courage to see things through different lenses; to accept that no matter how life pans out, we are present and are supposed to be present in these very moments.  It takes courage to allow your self to sit in those moments and believe in what it is and possibly what it could be. Courage looks like a massive light coming from the heart and stepping up.  Courage is big... and, I guess, often un-acknowledged.  Perhaps the bigger challenge of the day is that I do not know how I feel... and it takes courage to say it out loud.

I acknowledge my unknown courage!!!  I acknowledge my past courageous self and my future courageous self, as they may be different.  I say it here, today.  Thank you for being courageous, Laz.. Thank you for being able to face the world in some form, every day.  Thank you to everyone else in my life who has allowed me to be courageous.  Please continue to support that.

That's my reflection for the day.  Oh and, how does this all relate to baby-making... well, it takes courage to try and want to bring a being into this world..put everything on the line to do so.  It takes courage to want to do that with another being...your life partner.. particularly when you are unsure of what life has to offer, at times.    How's that for courage???  <3

April Moon 14

We're In the Money!

No, we're really not necessarily in the money yet, but we hope to be (with your help)!  As many may know, we already started to put out our plea for funds to help us move forward in trying to have a baby, again!  Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a catchy name or title for our baby-making fund, but absolutely welcome any ideas you may have!

(in case you missed it) Here's how YOU can HELP:

• We've started our fundraising by creating a fund using PayPal on our blog.  That has been such a wonderful start! Very much like the support we got during our wedding, this has yielded a nice outcome thus far.  It seems this is a nice option for folks who just wanted to be extremely kindhearted & generous, want nothing in return and want to give. For folks who have so graciously donated via our PayPal link already, we can not say enough about how thankful we are for your donation.  For those who haven't...ummmm, get to it!  LOL...  At this point, I am definitely not too proud to beg folks for their money.   The truth is, we'll do whatever we can to have a family and don't plan on giving up anytime soon!!!  If you don't want to donate or can't, we understand....It's ok.  Just please make sure you spread the word to your affluent friends and have them donate :-)

• Next...I sell all-natural, homemade bath and body scrubs!  They are a really perfect piece for yourself or a gift for a loved one.  If you need great little gifts for teachers, family, or friends check out what I have available. They currently come in two sizes (6oz & 12oz) and four standard scents, BUT the choice are truly infinite... you can choose your choice of oil, salt/sugar & scent.   Want to know more... visit www.facebook.com/lilpfunkhouse to see pictures of my goods ... DO IT!!! We are additionally working on showcasing the scrubs in some local venues and events, so watch out for displays in a venue near you.  

• We're getting ready to host several nights of Poker, Pilsner & Pull-ups.  This is will be a fun fundraising poker game series that will help us raise money while allowing folks to engage in a little bit of their competitive edge among friends!

• We'd like to host several friends and family food fundraising nights at Rumba Cubana, Houlihans & right in our home!!!  Why not join us for $20 a plate/person and get some yummy food while donating to our baby-making fund.  Scrumptious, NO???  

• Interested in advertising your goods on our blog?!?  GREAT!  I am offering the opportunity for you to advertise on this blog now with 100% of funds going to our baby-making fund. Prices are negotiable, so contact me for more info.  Let me know if you or anyone you know might be interested....buy an ad to help us out! We can add you to our sidebar right now.  

As you have heard us say many times before....THANK YOU!  I am not sure that anyone knows how great it feels to be loved, cherished and considered by you, our loved ones, to receive your donations, support and love!   All of you already hold a dear spot in our hearts, as you are helping us get our baby and our dream of being mommies come true! As they say, all we need is a dollar and a dream....

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

************************************************************

ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

Passing Time

Here are some pics that I find LOVELY... thought you might too [I promise we'll post more substantial info soon. We're just coasting and progressing.. nothing much to report]. 

 

 

(Possible) Pregnancy after the BIG C word

I think most of you know that I am a survivor of having both my ovaries removed, along with my Fallopian tubes, due to low grade Ovarian Cancer tumors... thus the major contributor in choosing to go through a reciprocal-IVF process.   In addition to not having ovaries or fallopian tubes, I can't naturally produce hormones like other females do.  Inevitably, all of this leads to some level of questioning my ability to carry a pregnancy full-term.  Mind you, I'm not even there yet, but I AM WORRIED!

AND...so, I did it.  I did a preliminary search on Google to see what other ovarian cancer survivors have done to sustain their pregnancies.  Ummmm, the results I got were astonishing, though not exactly comforting [just yet], mostly because there's still not much info available on this anomaly.   What I did find was a recurring story of the world's first woman who becomes pregnant after a double ovary removal... dates for September 2013 in Australia!!!!  WHAT???!!!!!!!  NO other woman has ever become pregnant after having both ovaries removed?  I am not sure I believe that.  Because, then that means I may be woman number TWO in the world... Is that possible?

It turns out that the use of donor eggs in women who have had their ovaries removed wasn't medically introduced until 1983, in Australia.  That's only 30 years ago! Even then, not much research was done to support evidence that this was a true possibility.  It turns out that I am not the 2nd person on the planet who has TTC without ovaries, but either way there aren't many cases overall.  So much so, that even Google---the world's most brilliant researcher (LOL)-- is stumped by my question.

Anyhow... after asking our nurse & doctor (which is what I should have done in the first place) this same question, we found out that beginning at around 7wks gestation, the placenta will begin to make the estrogen and progesterone required to support pregnancy all on its own. COOL!!! Prior to my discharge from our Center, they will wean me off our current estrogen & progesterone meds to make sure my levels are stable. If not stable by time for discharge, I will be sent to our OB on more oral estrogen and/or progesterone. The OB will tell me when to stop it until the beginning of the 2nd trimester.

SO that's that... all's well that ends well.  It would have been nice if I was possibly number 2, but for now I will settle on having the ability to get to the finish line. The body is definitely a fascinating machine.  More info soon......

Most recent birth case (2013): 

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/sep/03/woman-pregnant-after-ovaries-removed-breakthrough

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/woman-pregnant-no-ovaries_n_3867239.html

Reflection

7:43a.m.
Driving in fog, not being able to see the distance
Reflections of the unknown
felt, yet not seen
The life beat...
The loss and the yearning to recreate the life it came from
Longing for what I've not even met before
Not bad, yet not good
but there's progress...
holding hands with hope
with a belief in miracles
anticipated and awaiting a sign
of what WILL come in the near future

Mantra

Interestingly enough when I was looking for an image that could capture my thoughts today I found this one. Warrior, two-spirited, odd pregnancy, story...FASCINATING!

So, the story goes like this... It started with the battle of Archimage & Boneyard in 451 A.D. Archimage enlist Lukasz as one of his "Twelve knights of Archimage" against Boneyard...some fighting happens in between and in a final desperate attempt to take down Boneyard, Archimage cast Lukasz into a different body; a body rich in sorcerous ability, providing him the ability to enhance other mystical talents. That body belonged to an attractive woman name Eden Blake. This being could now gain mystical armor and sword by intoning the word "mantra", which becomes her Ultraheroine name (1).  And so...

Mantra's seems to have the same underlying, mystical powers in the comic life and in the real life.  I could only hope that by repeating my now personal mantra, I, too will gain what I want from my magical call...

yummy eggs, sticky walls

yummy eggs, sticky walls

yummy eggs, sticky walls

Ohm......

1 - Source: http://www.comicvine.com/mantra/4005-14087/

Wanderlust

Sometimes I feel debilitated by the fear that I soon might have a life form in me...
and then I see an image of or read a story about a baby and my eyes and heart
become filled with tears.

Perhaps it is the unknown new beginning that I fear...
I create this desire to wander back and forth through the next ten months
to know that everything will be alright
or maybe what scared me the most is the fact that everything I believe
will spill over into another creature
intentionally or not.

We'll see what comes of it
of these feelings and of my fear
but here's to new beginnings
no matter what they might bring

Cocktail, anyone?

When we lived in Vegas, that's probably the most common phrase we heard while hanging at the Casinos...."Cocktails, anyone?" Now, that phrase has a totally different meaning...It includes a number of medications, appropriate timing, and various injection sites for two very baby-happy people.

For our first try we've been asked to do an Estrogen Priming Protocol. This regimen is usually used for women who have a lower ovarian reserve, are higher in age (35+), who may not respond the greatest with the standard meds, and/or tend to ovulate very early and have problems with lead follicles developing before stimulation.  It's a two menstruation cycle process, where during month 1 Sujey went to get BW & U/S on day one of her cycle followed by a tracking of LH (hormone) surge and ovulation. Once she surged (and then ovulated) we had to count 10 days from that surge (1/1/14) and start on the Vivelle Estrogen patches.  The idea is to give the body about 5-7 days of Estrogen Priming to help the ovaries suppress FSH and preserve egg production before the next menstrual cycle.  The day following she started Garnarelix injections for 3 days to keep from producing FSH.

A few days after the start of estrogen and Garnarelix and Sujey has her period for menstrual cycle #2 [I've never been this excited for any menstrual cycle in my life!!]!  Thus the fun begins.... We both get blood tested on day 2 of her cycle [She for hormone & repro checking..and, I have been maintaining the use of Estradiol to keep my uterine lining at a steady place, thus the doc has to measure the progress of my lining, keeping it fresh & sticky before the transplant].  From here on out Sujey's cocktail regimen is as follows for about 10-12 days:

Gonal-F (a.m.) - 2 days+

Gonal-F (p.m.) - 3 days+

Menopur (p.m.) - 3 days?

hCG (p.m.) - 3 days?

Garnirelix (maybe for another 3 nights)

On the day of the egg retrieval, I start my Doryx (2x/day) - 4 days, Medrol - 4 days, and progesterone for about 12 weeks.... which will include up to our 8th week of pregnancy if everything goes as wanted with a pregnancy on our first try! Somewhere in there the egg & sperm will meet and the magical transfer will occur into my uterus.  WOW!!!!

Sooooooo... Here's to a few days of cocktails with different benefits than the ones we enjoyed in Vegas, but with much greater lasting effects!

       

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!