Close to the Heart (Day 3)

Yesterday I got to create this vivid encounter and reflection around the word JUICY; an account which seemed so easy and quick to put together unlike the the first day. Today, it again has taken me some time to write and reflect on the given prompt... HOME.  

So many things come to mind when I think of home.... I think of my mother (which is interesting because I, in theory, was raised in a two-parent home), mostly because no matter where I was in the world I knew I could always come "home" to her; 22nd street; my wife; our [unknown] family - wife, doggies, bab(ies), me; my sisters; even, Cuba. HOME..... HOME....Home makes me feel warm. Visually, I go to the heart. Literally, like what does my heart see/feel/identify with home. I guess that makes sense because as the saying goes "home is where the heart is." I read somewhere that a persons identity with "home" can physiologically influence a persons behavior, emotions, and overall mental health.  It manifests thoughts about who someone is, used to be, or might become. To me, home is a string of warmness that defines me at the heart; thus, all the things above.  Yup; that's certainly my case. 

Figuratively, home is on 22nd street, were I was born and raised.  Literally.... I was born premature from a warrior women who had a whirlwind life and went into labor early.  It was no coincidence I was given the name Lazara - but that's a whole other story.  With the little bit she had, no matter what, she created a home for us on 22nd street. Marriage, siblings, growing pains, and other events led us to settle in a specific house on 22nd, which is still the home my parents [dad] inhabits.  I have the best memories of this place!  It's never been the dream home, I'll tell you that much, but we've had births, birthdays, graduations, mysterious encounters, animals, laughs, cries, fights, and sadly even, parting goodbyes here.  My sisters and I always wanted more rooms; we wanted a new kitchen for my mother; we wanted more windows; we wanted to be able to run around; we wanted it to look "pretty."  We wanted so much, but the whole time we wouldn't ever let it go because it was HOME.  I've been away from this "home" in one form or another since 1997.   And still, it's interesting because no matter where I go, where I am, this house is my home.  

Though, things have changed a bit for me.... My home is becoming the space that my wife and I inhabit.  She embodies so much of what I long for in a home; similar to what my mom once created for me.  The picture isn't fully formed with the destination unknown yet, but it's coming up; I know it!  We are creating our home with every step, plan and breath we take.  The mere fact that we are trying to bring a being into this world is symbolic to the home we are building.  That heart string I spoke about earlier has extended from 22nd street and wrapped itself around my wife and I...moving with us to wherever we build our home.  I maintain that "home is where the heart it is"... it's whatever we dwell close to the heart.   

ISO: Courage (Day 1)

We recognize it's been a while since we last posted.... With all the energy of things happening around us, the ebbs and flows of life, it's hard to really put into words what it is that I/we are feeling these days; thus, we've slowed the mill down a bit.

I guess I wouldn't say we've been idling or standing still, but we definitely have had to slow down in our approaches to life and examine how it is we want to get where we are going...not just with baby-making, but with everything. Most notably with TTC, we're still looking for donations through PayPal (Button on the home page of this blog) and GoFundMe (http://www.gofundme.com/PGbabymakingfund), as well submitting a few grants and doing major planning on how to make this baby-thing work!!!

Partially what has prompted me (Laz) to write today is the fact that I received an email from Kat McNally asking all other bloggers of the universe to join her in April Moon, a reflective writing challenge for 14 days....  so, I reflect for the next 14 days (Bear with me).  I suppose this is timely as we approach the one year mark of my mom's passing, Easter (in the Christian, faith-based sense of the holiday), baby-making progress, and, well, just life.

Today's reflective word is COURAGE.

My heart starts to race because I can't think of my own courage. Actually, I thought of the Wizard of Oz's Cowardly Lion.  I struggle to picture what courage looks like.  I scroll through images in my brain of life events and courage doesn't stop at any one mark. I'm scared I forgot to bookmark it!  I have no recollection.  Perhaps, the issue is my fundamental understanding of courage or how I define courage. Or maybe it's that every one of my life events have been based on courage and so they are a big cluster. I struggle to determine if acknowledging that I HAVE been courageous is vain or if the fact that I can't figure out is some form of modesty.

Vastly, I find that it takes courage to face life everyday.  It takes courage to wake up every morning... it takes courage to communicate... it takes courage to see things through different lenses; to accept that no matter how life pans out, we are present and are supposed to be present in these very moments.  It takes courage to allow your self to sit in those moments and believe in what it is and possibly what it could be. Courage looks like a massive light coming from the heart and stepping up.  Courage is big... and, I guess, often un-acknowledged.  Perhaps the bigger challenge of the day is that I do not know how I feel... and it takes courage to say it out loud.

I acknowledge my unknown courage!!!  I acknowledge my past courageous self and my future courageous self, as they may be different.  I say it here, today.  Thank you for being courageous, Laz.. Thank you for being able to face the world in some form, every day.  Thank you to everyone else in my life who has allowed me to be courageous.  Please continue to support that.

That's my reflection for the day.  Oh and, how does this all relate to baby-making... well, it takes courage to try and want to bring a being into this world..put everything on the line to do so.  It takes courage to want to do that with another being...your life partner.. particularly when you are unsure of what life has to offer, at times.    How's that for courage???  <3

April Moon 14

We're In the Money!

No, we're really not necessarily in the money yet, but we hope to be (with your help)!  As many may know, we already started to put out our plea for funds to help us move forward in trying to have a baby, again!  Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a catchy name or title for our baby-making fund, but absolutely welcome any ideas you may have!

(in case you missed it) Here's how YOU can HELP:

• We've started our fundraising by creating a fund using PayPal on our blog.  That has been such a wonderful start! Very much like the support we got during our wedding, this has yielded a nice outcome thus far.  It seems this is a nice option for folks who just wanted to be extremely kindhearted & generous, want nothing in return and want to give. For folks who have so graciously donated via our PayPal link already, we can not say enough about how thankful we are for your donation.  For those who haven't...ummmm, get to it!  LOL...  At this point, I am definitely not too proud to beg folks for their money.   The truth is, we'll do whatever we can to have a family and don't plan on giving up anytime soon!!!  If you don't want to donate or can't, we understand....It's ok.  Just please make sure you spread the word to your affluent friends and have them donate :-)

• Next...I sell all-natural, homemade bath and body scrubs!  They are a really perfect piece for yourself or a gift for a loved one.  If you need great little gifts for teachers, family, or friends check out what I have available. They currently come in two sizes (6oz & 12oz) and four standard scents, BUT the choice are truly infinite... you can choose your choice of oil, salt/sugar & scent.   Want to know more... visit www.facebook.com/lilpfunkhouse to see pictures of my goods ... DO IT!!! We are additionally working on showcasing the scrubs in some local venues and events, so watch out for displays in a venue near you.  

• We're getting ready to host several nights of Poker, Pilsner & Pull-ups.  This is will be a fun fundraising poker game series that will help us raise money while allowing folks to engage in a little bit of their competitive edge among friends!

• We'd like to host several friends and family food fundraising nights at Rumba Cubana, Houlihans & right in our home!!!  Why not join us for $20 a plate/person and get some yummy food while donating to our baby-making fund.  Scrumptious, NO???  

• Interested in advertising your goods on our blog?!?  GREAT!  I am offering the opportunity for you to advertise on this blog now with 100% of funds going to our baby-making fund. Prices are negotiable, so contact me for more info.  Let me know if you or anyone you know might be interested....buy an ad to help us out! We can add you to our sidebar right now.  

As you have heard us say many times before....THANK YOU!  I am not sure that anyone knows how great it feels to be loved, cherished and considered by you, our loved ones, to receive your donations, support and love!   All of you already hold a dear spot in our hearts, as you are helping us get our baby and our dream of being mommies come true! As they say, all we need is a dollar and a dream....

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

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ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.