Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.

And the Winner Is...

Sperm Donor Banks (& egg donation centers) are the worlds gift to many folks who are trying to have a baby.  Some smart people got together many many years ago and decided "I've got it! Why don't we let folks who have tons of sperm to spare give it to a center, like a bank, and people can buy it when they need it!"  GENIUS IDEA! And to you folks that were in the Board room, I thank you!  Anyhow....

Selecting sperm from a donation bank is the equivalent of literally being the candy store that provides you every little detail on every piece of candy you might want.  It's so fascinating.  You have the option to select height, eye color, hair color AND texture, ethnicity, education, review their familial history, medical history, grade point average, career choice, their likes and dislikes, see childhood pics, and the list goes on... I joked with my wife that perhaps selection a life partner should be as invasive and detailed as sperm selection is. Though, who knows; the way technology is going, perhaps there will be options to only meet folks in such manners.... hmmmmmm.

We had some standard criteria we wanted to make sure that our donor had... features and education similar to me (Laz) since we will be getting the wonderful genetics of Sujey through the egg retrieval process for the making of our little embryo.   The added bonus was the we could surf through these individual's essays about themselves; value-based descriptions on who they would want to meet dead or alive; what lessons they would want their actual children to carry forward from them; person they are closest to & why; and, other minor things that really didn't mean much in the grand scope of things. At one point, Sujey and I were literally playing jeopardy with the donor options we had. We'd quiz each other a wide variety of topics (including family medical history, hair texture, current profession, favorite sports, and the categories go on...).

Nonetheless, we have chosen the winning donor that best suits us and meets most of our selection needs.  Are we nervous about what the outcome could be? of course!  Was it a hard decision?  Not as much as we thought it would be.  Are we scared that our child will one day want to know who/what contributed to their awesome self?  A lil bit.  Will we will ever call the sperm donor our child's "dad"?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  The job of the donor is to do just that... DONATE.  This individual has allowed for us to create our beautiful family, acknowledging that WE will be the parents... Mom2.  Our child will have two of the most wonderful, empowering, beautiful, and amazing mommies in the universe with the greatest support network of male role-models this world could provide...that won't be called dad!  We're excited and looking forward to what's yet to come... until then, step 136,234,999 COMPLETE! Thank you donor # 13017. Next...

Post in Pictures...

Our journey, thus far.... in five pictures (give or take)!

1. Inspiration

2.  Infinite Blood Tests

3. Goofy Wife & Trans-V Ultrasounds

4. A Plethora of Injections 

5. Sperm Donor Selection Jeopardy

The Perils and Privileges of Having a Baby

While our choice to try to conceive (TTC) is truly a blessing and an exciting one, it also comes with some challenges. One of the most taxing is the grueling financial aspect and monetary costs of creating a baby when you are in a same-sex marriage, trying to undergo reciprocal IVF and have a medical history that would impede you from trying other interventions in order to have this baby. Add to that the fact that we aren't the most "financially fit" folks in the world...at it's best, we are "average."

On the conservative side an estimate cost for egg retrieval, embryo lab, embryo transfer and monitoring can be about $18,000... that doesn't include any pre-authorization, medical clearances from other providers, medication, sperm selection/purchase, and all the other expenditures that go into the cost of TTC.  That's a lot!!!!  I mean, TONS of money. Our package from start to finish is costing us about $21,000...That is only for one cycle with no guarantee of a baby at the end!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  We have been fortunate, lucky, blessed, (insert word here) to have funds that have come from my parents, as well as a small loan I took out.. BUT WHAT THE HELL does everyone else do!  This is where we acknowledge our privilege.  Folks, we are excruciatingly thankful to everyone who has contributed to us monetarily, in spirit, in energy or just even in time (listening to us vent, cry & yell about this process).  

It saddens me that while we have been building this hope inside and can't wait to ATTEMPT to have a baby (again, no certainty in it), I still have to question what we would have done without any of the additional funds that have covered us.  We certainly wouldn't be able to support this endeavor financially in any other way.  A financial tip:  DO NOT APPLY FOR A FERTILITY LOAN... here's why. Applying for a unsecured personal loan will always be best, especially with iffy credit. Don't disclose that you will NEED the money for IVF.  When you do so, you are basically telling them you are going to get pregnant and its highly likely you would be leaving your place of employment to have a child and thus will be unemployed & might not be able to pay your loan. Renovations, holiday, debt consolidation, etc.... are better options. And so, here we are.  

A few of the things that helped us:

• Our private medical insurances covered any "pre-authorization" or pre-conception blood work and medical appointments.  Make sure to look into any coverage that might be offered.
• We used Ferring Pharmaceuticals’ h.e.a.r.t.+ Pharmacy Savings Program (offers significant savings on prescriptions for BRAVELLE®, MENOPUR®, ENDOMETRIN®, and NOVAREL®) at www.ferringfertility.com/heart..... as well as, Compassionate Care offered through EMD Serano for Gonal-f® medications at www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp.  (This online pharm might be able to asssit as well http://www.freedomfertility.com/default.aspx)
• We applied (and weren't granted the req) for a Baby Quest Foundation grant, which helps with any costs associated with IVF & TTC  at http://babyquestfoundation.org.  
• Other grants available: http://www.payitforwardfertility.org/grant-information/, http://www.cadefoundation.org/, etc?  
• Applied for fertility loan and were declined (but they were helpful, at http://www.fertilityfinance.net/)

Well, fingers crossed and we will be hoping for the BEST possible outcome.... beyond the financial investment, our hearts, mind and souls are fully integrated into this process.  Here's to our future!  

On wanting to conceive...

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a child… in fact, during my childhood (ages 2-6) the only “girl” toys I had were baby dolls.  And really, it was about the role of being a mother. Throughout the years, I would re-create play time with my siblings and friend to make me the mom and lead caretaker in our games.  I would look at catalogs, fliers and magazines to select the child that was the one who looked most like me.  It became so customary that my mom, at the time, started to pick out children in magazines and say, “what do you think of this one?”  I would ask my mom, regardless of the size of our family, “Wouldn’t you want ANOTHER baby in our home?” 

Fast forward to 1998 (age, 18).  Prior to my second semester at University, I had been gone through consecutive years of lower abdominal "issues." On several occasions, I was even hospitalized.  After visiting seven doctors in the span of a week from unexplained excruciating pain, I was seen by a reproductive oncologist who finally figured out that the pains were stemming from an ovarian tumor.  I went through surgery and had a 35 lb. mass removed (yes, that big), along with my right ovary, fallopian tube & appendix, and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage 1A.  No other medical intervention was needed at the time, and since I was only 18 years, cryopreservation of any eggs from my “functioning” ovary didn't seem necessary.

In 2002, I started to experience many of the same symptoms I'd had before. Again, even though I was consistently being monitored by my oncologist, I developed another ovarian tumor on the other side.  I, again, underwent another surgery for a much smaller tumor, had the ovary removed along with other fallopian tube.  (BUT, I didn't know it was going to be so invasive at the time!) It wasn’t until 4 days later that I was told about the extent of the surgery.  I remember it like it was yesterday!  My life, what I thought was my purpose for living, my womanhood, my ability to bear a life was taken from me… it was taken without any warning.  My hope disappeared. An instant void was created.  At this point, I thought not only would I not be able to biologically create my own children, but it would cost me an unfathomable amount of money to scientifically try to do so.  

The years following the last surgery were difficult, but not unbearable.  I refocused on figuring out who I was, what other things life had to offer me, along with taking on bigger “adventures.” I thought that if I couldn’t conceive, it would be best to forget about being a mom for a while.  I traveled, lived in Europe, moved to Las Vegas, obtained my Master’s degree, dabbled in various job opportunities, and several relationships later found my soul mate (age, 32). 

Upon meeting my mate, a spark reignited.  A very scary spark…I saw in her what I hadn’t seen in others.  I saw compassion; I saw patience; I saw love; and, most importantly, I saw a future.  A future that included a family.  Though, what stood out to me most was my fear.  Here I was seeing my future, which now potentially included a family, with a FEMALE and no ability to have a child.  It hurt…. I hurt.    

Among our circle of same-sex female friends, quite a few were starting to conceive and have babies.  We inquired about the steps they took to create their families and the process of reciprocal IVF/ART was presented to us.  I was in shock, instantly scared, and in utter excitement all at once!  I knew enough about my medical well-being to know that I was “healthy” but wasn’t’ sure if I could be a candidate for IVF or if we even had the money to move forward with it.  After an extensive conversation with who is now my wife, we decided I should start getting re-checked physically and start looking into the possibility….using my uterus and her eggs.  

Much research and quite a few test/exams/labs later, and we received a confirmed YES to try to have a baby...which brings us up to date.  In the process, my mom died.  And, as sad as that truly & deeply is, she left me many beautiful & wonderful things… she left me her faith and a small pocket of funds, which is what we have started to use to support our initial process.  

There have been many tears throughout just the last few months of my life’s journey. I no longer feel the vast void brought on by my inability to biologically create a child, but I see possibility.  I have hope… I believe in our ability to be mothers; to bare our child… to create a family no different than many others.   

On your mark. Get set. GO!

And so, here it is!  My first post.  I've contemplated what this blog would look like for a while with no big bang theory thus far.  Mostly, I've been wanting to write about some of the experiences I've been going through..more so, my shared experiences in life and now that of trying to become a mother.  

Cigarettes and Yoga is a space for shared experiences. Currently my wife and I have engaged in trying to create a baby.  As an ovarian cancer survivor and a lesbian-identified person, this has been quite the challenge...emotionally and physically.  We are blessed in many ways to have tons of support to get us through this process and wanted to share our story along with other stories of balance, coping, dealing, stressing, laughing, enjoying and crusin' (not always with the top down) thru life.  Well, who knows... I really just want to write!  Write, write, RIGHT?!

Happy reading and we hope that you will comment, leave me/us notes, and enjoy your time spent on Cigarettes and Yoga...and Baby.

Image credit: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/yogis-choice-cigarettes-all-of-the-flavor-and-none-of-the-guilt/