Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time. This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know... It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.
It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE." For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual. But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh. Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.
So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married. It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together. I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.
With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant. I long to physically be, feel, go through, and take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high! Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!
We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.
It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE." For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual. But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh. Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.
So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married. It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together. I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.
With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant. I long to physically be, feel, go through, and take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high! Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!
We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.
The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.
Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.
Exquisite yearning, Laz. x
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