Shhhh.... Day 10

So, what's your dirty little secret?  Actually, I really don't want to know; but it's fun to say that particular phrase.... Today's prompt for reflection is SECRET. It's funny because not all secrets are dirty or even forbidden, but that's where my mind goes to.  When I think of this word of think of the lyrics by The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret. I think I might have to directly to answering the prompt questions for this one, because otherwise I could probably write a book on experiences and events that involve all the secrets I've heard throughout my life.

What feelings does this word evoke? What sorts of memories does it recall? Which of your senses start to tingle? How would you represent what this word means to you?

The word secret evokes such interesting feelings in me. I makes me think of gossip, of celebrations, of surprises, of embarrassing moments... particularly, of an event that taught me a HUGE lesson in the 6th grade.  The word secret makes my nose twitch in that I Dream of Genie way...and, my finger wiggle like a mad scientist who has discovered an anecdote...LOL.  I find some secrets to be fun - especially when it involves happy moments; but mostly, I find secrets so DAMN FRUSTRATING.  They irk me and make me feel uncomfortable and cause me anxiety (seriously).    

About that story from the 6th grade:  Back in the day, was "friends" with a few young girls that I would now call misfits.  One of these friends, we'll name her "R," told me a fabricated secret about another friend, "S".  R made up this elaborate tale about the whereabouts and lifestyle of S, instigating matters and flat-out talking trash.  I could care less about what was happening, seeming that I had enough things happening at that young age, and apparently R didn't like that her "secret" stirred nothing in me.  The next day R tells S that I said some judgmental things that I will not repeat, nor would they have ever come out of my mouth that young, and S showed up at my house with some friends ready to beat me up!  HOLY SHIT, I was scared... Like, scared for my life.  I remember my mom marched right outside and confronted everyone of those ladies and almost smacked them up; she called their parents (because she knew them) and she called the school to let them know what had happened.  She threatened the school and said that if anything happened to me while I was there, she would personally come and make sure the school was closed down... That's the type of woman my mom was (clearly, I learned a lot from her!).  I remember the teachers and other classmates asking me why they needed to ensure that R stayed away from me, and all I would say was that it was personal matters.  I never once again opened my mouth up about that story, ever again.  I never confronted R or actually, saw S again.  Mainly what this incident taught me was that I NEVER wanted to be near a "secret," fabricated or not, ever in my life again.  

I've done pretty well to steer clear of secrets.  Often if anyone tells me they have a secret, I do my best to tell them I don't really want to know anything (or I physically forget what they've told pretty quickly after the story is over)... I mean, I enjoy gossip like the next person, but I don't want to bear the weight of knowing things I shouldn't or don't really care about.  NOPE!!!  I feel like secretes weigh too much on me... on my soul.  I even think that secretes can hurt, so I do my best to not be involved in many.  Actually, I have this personal rule of transparency.  I rather be an open book, than have to have someone DIG to get information from me.  As I've stated many times in this blog, I am a big over-sharer. Anyhow... Secrets. Have them if you wish, but they're more than they're worth in my life.  

See more reflective prompts at April Moon 2014

 

Day 9: Longing

Now we're talking! This I could totally relate to and is in line with the core existence of this blog... Today's prompt for our April Moon 2014's reflective writing is YEARNING.

Yearning is such a wonderful word to describe my feelings at the present time.  This trying-to-bring-a-being-into-the-world thing hasn't just been for the sake of having a baby, you know...  It's also been about believing in the creation of our partnership, our family and the journey we are going through as part of the connective process for my wife and I.

It's amazing the things that happen when we realize that a person is "THE ONE."  For all intents and purposes, I denied having any feelings for this person (my now wife) for a LONG time... trying to play our relationship off as casual.  But, I realized I was way in over my head when I KNEW that her arms were the only place I wanted to be... that her face was the only one I wanted to see all the time (unheard of for me in the past regardless of the length of my relationships). During those times, I longed for waking up and seeing her face.. for her kisses and her embraces... her touch and hearing her laugh.  Not much has changed, yet the yearning has seemed to cross over into this new level of longing that now includes not only "wanting" my wife, but the creation of our united being... and the "being", or baby, itself.

So, we did things a bit backwards in terms of how "conventional" or hetero-normative relationships go... We tried to start having a baby before we got married. And, I only say that because in terms of our relationship, we had been creating an extensive, rooted, connective bond before we even celebrated our unity in front of loved ones and got married.  It's been since that point that the cross-over happened; the moment we decided we would create a family together.  I became excited for what our future looked like without even knowing what it could consist of.  

With that, I yearn for more...I yearn for being pregnant.  I long to physically be,  feel, go through, and  take in my femininity...I want to bear & push a child and go through every high & low of that. I long to hold our child, and have this unbelievable unspoken bond between my wife and I as mothers. I want to feel that high!  Have you I ever wanted something so bad it almost hurts. It consumes your thoughts and your energy. It almost feels like it takes over your existence... It's a longing for that one thing and you'll do anything to get it. That "being" I keep talking about... That's what I yearn. I long for our being's embrace... that little touch...the cry that only mother's understand...for that smile because mom(s) took care of it all!

We know that "being" is coming... and us sharing our thoughts and process isn't in vain; it's about having a communal space to give and receive positive energy so that our lil being feels how amazingly loved right from its inception.    

The famous Mother Goddess fertility figure discovered inWillendorf, Austria, dating to 30,000 B.C.

Check out other reflective writing pieces at Kat McNally's site.

At a loss... (Day 7 & 8)

I'm at a complete loss. Jeez...Seriously! I felt like I was on a roll with the writing thing/reflection prompts, and now it's been so hard to write or even put a visual up about my last two prompts. I have looked the words up in the dictionary (I've actually had to do that with all the prompts); nothing.  I even Google'd the two words (separate and together) to see if any images inspired the writing; And, nothing.  Actually, I feel like my mind has been all over the place these past few months; but, is that not the case for me all the time? I can't focus (interestingly that was my last reflection). With baby making, professional journeys, parting of friends, working on married-life, family managing, and all the other ebbs and flows, there has been this constant go-go-go and jumbling of emotions. Anyhow...I'm gonna give it a go and see where I get.  

For Day 7 of April Moon 2014 we've been bequeathed with TEXTURE as our reflective word.  Texture by definition is the visual and physical characteristic of an object... that which adds definition. Texture makes me think of touching things.. feeling them.  I think of my hands... I think of art.. I think of how materials become alive through their texture.  I'm actually giggling a bit because all of my life I have LOVED to touch things.  Some part of it is for curiosity's sake, but mostly focused on really wanting to feel things.  I study it's curves, jagged edges, crevices, bold shapes and structures for art's sake.  There is a certain texture in all of that.  My dad seems to have the same fascination with touch and it's artistry.  He was worked in some form of carpentry/craftsmen trade all my life and I love seeing him in action.   He would paint a wall and like to feel the smoothness of the strokes... he hammers and is mesmerized by the structure if it has brought together... he walks into a room and can tell you what material most items are made of.  He's this artistic genius.  I feel I have become him... I inspect things to know what they are made of. I constantly say to myself "I'm my dad's daughter."  And, come to think of it, that's kinda neat. Texture is fascinating because if you close your eyes, in order to get to know something, many times we go straight for touch.  

And, Day 8.... WILD... untamed. That is a fun word, but how do I describe it.... I think of hair. I think of wilderness. I think of the Wild, Wild, West (where my heart is at times).  I think of "unabashed" and "unconventional" behavior.  I think of adventure.  I don't just think of on thing... So, I leave you with a single image for this one.  Perhaps, you can reflect on the "wild" in it?

Quvenzhane Wallis in the "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

To be part of the April Moon 2014 reflection circle or to just read what others are writing, visit Kat McNally's site by clicking the image below... Happy writing! 

Close to the Heart (Day 3)

Yesterday I got to create this vivid encounter and reflection around the word JUICY; an account which seemed so easy and quick to put together unlike the the first day. Today, it again has taken me some time to write and reflect on the given prompt... HOME.  

So many things come to mind when I think of home.... I think of my mother (which is interesting because I, in theory, was raised in a two-parent home), mostly because no matter where I was in the world I knew I could always come "home" to her; 22nd street; my wife; our [unknown] family - wife, doggies, bab(ies), me; my sisters; even, Cuba. HOME..... HOME....Home makes me feel warm. Visually, I go to the heart. Literally, like what does my heart see/feel/identify with home. I guess that makes sense because as the saying goes "home is where the heart is." I read somewhere that a persons identity with "home" can physiologically influence a persons behavior, emotions, and overall mental health.  It manifests thoughts about who someone is, used to be, or might become. To me, home is a string of warmness that defines me at the heart; thus, all the things above.  Yup; that's certainly my case. 

Figuratively, home is on 22nd street, were I was born and raised.  Literally.... I was born premature from a warrior women who had a whirlwind life and went into labor early.  It was no coincidence I was given the name Lazara - but that's a whole other story.  With the little bit she had, no matter what, she created a home for us on 22nd street. Marriage, siblings, growing pains, and other events led us to settle in a specific house on 22nd, which is still the home my parents [dad] inhabits.  I have the best memories of this place!  It's never been the dream home, I'll tell you that much, but we've had births, birthdays, graduations, mysterious encounters, animals, laughs, cries, fights, and sadly even, parting goodbyes here.  My sisters and I always wanted more rooms; we wanted a new kitchen for my mother; we wanted more windows; we wanted to be able to run around; we wanted it to look "pretty."  We wanted so much, but the whole time we wouldn't ever let it go because it was HOME.  I've been away from this "home" in one form or another since 1997.   And still, it's interesting because no matter where I go, where I am, this house is my home.  

Though, things have changed a bit for me.... My home is becoming the space that my wife and I inhabit.  She embodies so much of what I long for in a home; similar to what my mom once created for me.  The picture isn't fully formed with the destination unknown yet, but it's coming up; I know it!  We are creating our home with every step, plan and breath we take.  The mere fact that we are trying to bring a being into this world is symbolic to the home we are building.  That heart string I spoke about earlier has extended from 22nd street and wrapped itself around my wife and I...moving with us to wherever we build our home.  I maintain that "home is where the heart it is"... it's whatever we dwell close to the heart.   

Day 2: Pour a lil sugar in my bowl

Reflection word of the day:  JUICY!

How sweet you are...

with your fresh color and aromatic skin

an essence both spicy and attractive

indigenous to the tropics

with a color as radiant as the sun

round, plump and thick in the right places

allowing me to pierce thru you and reach your core

providing me your succulent pulp

ripe, with the perfect juices

refreshing to my tongue

an unforgettable symbol of my femininity 

as well as that of the muse that I love

a reminder of my womb and the parts that surround it

that ability to cultivate from your own seed

natures boosts for my own fertility... 

Oh, mango, you are the sugar in my bowl  <3

**  A much more seductive twist than my previous post.  An ode to the nature of being and feeling juicy, to the fruit that reminds that being juicy is definitely alright! A fruit that is a representation of life, nature, femininity and fertility.  Here's to the mango...Enjoy! **
  

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

************************************************************

ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/

(Possible) Pregnancy after the BIG C word

I think most of you know that I am a survivor of having both my ovaries removed, along with my Fallopian tubes, due to low grade Ovarian Cancer tumors... thus the major contributor in choosing to go through a reciprocal-IVF process.   In addition to not having ovaries or fallopian tubes, I can't naturally produce hormones like other females do.  Inevitably, all of this leads to some level of questioning my ability to carry a pregnancy full-term.  Mind you, I'm not even there yet, but I AM WORRIED!

AND...so, I did it.  I did a preliminary search on Google to see what other ovarian cancer survivors have done to sustain their pregnancies.  Ummmm, the results I got were astonishing, though not exactly comforting [just yet], mostly because there's still not much info available on this anomaly.   What I did find was a recurring story of the world's first woman who becomes pregnant after a double ovary removal... dates for September 2013 in Australia!!!!  WHAT???!!!!!!!  NO other woman has ever become pregnant after having both ovaries removed?  I am not sure I believe that.  Because, then that means I may be woman number TWO in the world... Is that possible?

It turns out that the use of donor eggs in women who have had their ovaries removed wasn't medically introduced until 1983, in Australia.  That's only 30 years ago! Even then, not much research was done to support evidence that this was a true possibility.  It turns out that I am not the 2nd person on the planet who has TTC without ovaries, but either way there aren't many cases overall.  So much so, that even Google---the world's most brilliant researcher (LOL)-- is stumped by my question.

Anyhow... after asking our nurse & doctor (which is what I should have done in the first place) this same question, we found out that beginning at around 7wks gestation, the placenta will begin to make the estrogen and progesterone required to support pregnancy all on its own. COOL!!! Prior to my discharge from our Center, they will wean me off our current estrogen & progesterone meds to make sure my levels are stable. If not stable by time for discharge, I will be sent to our OB on more oral estrogen and/or progesterone. The OB will tell me when to stop it until the beginning of the 2nd trimester.

SO that's that... all's well that ends well.  It would have been nice if I was possibly number 2, but for now I will settle on having the ability to get to the finish line. The body is definitely a fascinating machine.  More info soon......

Most recent birth case (2013): 

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/sep/03/woman-pregnant-after-ovaries-removed-breakthrough

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/woman-pregnant-no-ovaries_n_3867239.html

Reflection

7:43a.m.
Driving in fog, not being able to see the distance
Reflections of the unknown
felt, yet not seen
The life beat...
The loss and the yearning to recreate the life it came from
Longing for what I've not even met before
Not bad, yet not good
but there's progress...
holding hands with hope
with a belief in miracles
anticipated and awaiting a sign
of what WILL come in the near future

Lucky #26

Thus far, we've had...

• baselines appointments that include a plethora of blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds [it is a fact now that more physicians have seen my vagina than any other person...oh and trans-vaginal ultrasounds are a procedure where they insert a long probe into your vagina to see all your reproductive organs in much better view than standard U/S] at 7:00 a.m.
• blood tests that nearly knocked me (Laz) out [2-hr blood glucose challenges are not fun & potentially deadly! apparently, my sugar drops instead of spikes]
• a therapy counseling session; taken a month+ worth of estrogen and progesterone (Laz)
• are taking about 8 natural supplements & 2 herbal teas; had a medication instruction class
• signed countless documents [did you know that fertility clinics ask what your intention is with any eggs stored in case of death of you, your partner or both? crazy, right!?!]
• searched/gawked over/purchased sperm
• purchased 11 fertility meds (Laz & Sujey) that will help with Sujey's egg retrival & assist with prepping my lining for transfer
• have preemptively started taking pre-natal yoga [yes, I already mentioned i was crazy! Don't judge me...] waited on countless phone calls
• have become frustrated at the length of this process
• and, are FINALLY ready for cycle #1.

Next off; "Cocktails, please!"  Happy New Year to us, indeed!

Post in Pictures...

Our journey, thus far.... in five pictures (give or take)!

1. Inspiration

2.  Infinite Blood Tests

3. Goofy Wife & Trans-V Ultrasounds

4. A Plethora of Injections 

5. Sperm Donor Selection Jeopardy

On your mark. Get set. GO!

And so, here it is!  My first post.  I've contemplated what this blog would look like for a while with no big bang theory thus far.  Mostly, I've been wanting to write about some of the experiences I've been going through..more so, my shared experiences in life and now that of trying to become a mother.  

Cigarettes and Yoga is a space for shared experiences. Currently my wife and I have engaged in trying to create a baby.  As an ovarian cancer survivor and a lesbian-identified person, this has been quite the challenge...emotionally and physically.  We are blessed in many ways to have tons of support to get us through this process and wanted to share our story along with other stories of balance, coping, dealing, stressing, laughing, enjoying and crusin' (not always with the top down) thru life.  Well, who knows... I really just want to write!  Write, write, RIGHT?!

Happy reading and we hope that you will comment, leave me/us notes, and enjoy your time spent on Cigarettes and Yoga...and Baby.

Image credit: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/yogis-choice-cigarettes-all-of-the-flavor-and-none-of-the-guilt/