Shhhh.... Day 10

So, what's your dirty little secret?  Actually, I really don't want to know; but it's fun to say that particular phrase.... Today's prompt for reflection is SECRET. It's funny because not all secrets are dirty or even forbidden, but that's where my mind goes to.  When I think of this word of think of the lyrics by The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret. I think I might have to directly to answering the prompt questions for this one, because otherwise I could probably write a book on experiences and events that involve all the secrets I've heard throughout my life.

What feelings does this word evoke? What sorts of memories does it recall? Which of your senses start to tingle? How would you represent what this word means to you?

The word secret evokes such interesting feelings in me. I makes me think of gossip, of celebrations, of surprises, of embarrassing moments... particularly, of an event that taught me a HUGE lesson in the 6th grade.  The word secret makes my nose twitch in that I Dream of Genie way...and, my finger wiggle like a mad scientist who has discovered an anecdote...LOL.  I find some secrets to be fun - especially when it involves happy moments; but mostly, I find secrets so DAMN FRUSTRATING.  They irk me and make me feel uncomfortable and cause me anxiety (seriously).    

About that story from the 6th grade:  Back in the day, was "friends" with a few young girls that I would now call misfits.  One of these friends, we'll name her "R," told me a fabricated secret about another friend, "S".  R made up this elaborate tale about the whereabouts and lifestyle of S, instigating matters and flat-out talking trash.  I could care less about what was happening, seeming that I had enough things happening at that young age, and apparently R didn't like that her "secret" stirred nothing in me.  The next day R tells S that I said some judgmental things that I will not repeat, nor would they have ever come out of my mouth that young, and S showed up at my house with some friends ready to beat me up!  HOLY SHIT, I was scared... Like, scared for my life.  I remember my mom marched right outside and confronted everyone of those ladies and almost smacked them up; she called their parents (because she knew them) and she called the school to let them know what had happened.  She threatened the school and said that if anything happened to me while I was there, she would personally come and make sure the school was closed down... That's the type of woman my mom was (clearly, I learned a lot from her!).  I remember the teachers and other classmates asking me why they needed to ensure that R stayed away from me, and all I would say was that it was personal matters.  I never once again opened my mouth up about that story, ever again.  I never confronted R or actually, saw S again.  Mainly what this incident taught me was that I NEVER wanted to be near a "secret," fabricated or not, ever in my life again.  

I've done pretty well to steer clear of secrets.  Often if anyone tells me they have a secret, I do my best to tell them I don't really want to know anything (or I physically forget what they've told pretty quickly after the story is over)... I mean, I enjoy gossip like the next person, but I don't want to bear the weight of knowing things I shouldn't or don't really care about.  NOPE!!!  I feel like secretes weigh too much on me... on my soul.  I even think that secretes can hurt, so I do my best to not be involved in many.  Actually, I have this personal rule of transparency.  I rather be an open book, than have to have someone DIG to get information from me.  As I've stated many times in this blog, I am a big over-sharer. Anyhow... Secrets. Have them if you wish, but they're more than they're worth in my life.  

See more reflective prompts at April Moon 2014

 

AND, crash...

So, it's true. You do crash down after having taken hormones and then abruptly stopping. And, boy it's not fun.  I guess this is the case for folks who have undergone miscarriages, post-partum depression and the likes.   I feel emotionally vulnerable! I feel like I pick up every little ounce of energy from everyone! I feel like doom and gloom.... I. Feel.

I recognize I have to work on managing my emotional crash...I have to figure out what triggers it. It's not to say that I didn't have some level of emotional imbalance prior to the meds, but that there is some balancing that I need to work on to get it together all around.  Most importantly. I have to get it together or my wife is going to HATE me!  LOL...

At the end of the day, while doing some Google research, I am reassured that this feeling of deep, dark "something" will slowly go away as time goes on. The hormones will finally settle down a little, and I will feel a little less overwhelmed, emotionally. All I could say right now is that the hormone crash is awful, so I'm saddened for anyone else that has, is and will go through it. As I read earlier in another blogger's post, "...strive to be gentle with yourself, cry if needed and look for things to be thankful for or take comfort with in life, even little things..." And so, I will do that.  I wholeheartedly will do my best to be gentle on me and the rest of the world. 

Lessons learned...rabmblings

Choosing the right Fertility Center is like buying a house, a car & getting a degree ALL balled up into one experience on the same day.  This choice can dictate the potential for your future.. like, the power mostly lies on their hands.  That's big! I mean, HUGE!

Thanks to Google, it is much easier these days to look up center's based on proximity to your home, their stats (successful IVF, live births, age ratios), their docs, their acceptability level....all sorts of things. Another keen aspect was becoming public with our quest.  Indeed, we didn't know how many folks have gone through similar situations if we hadn't asked...(or started blogging about it). We have friends who are same-sex parents that were willing to share their stories of TTC, while having other parenting friend who went through the IVF process who were more than willing to hear EVERYTHING out.

Our decision came down to several things..insurance acceptance, inclusivity of both parents in the process, success rates, and overall cost (and, believe me this last one is a big deal).  Other things that didn't jump out immediately at us, but are super helpful in hindsight:

1. - communication etiquette (not only how open and willing they are to speak to us about the process, but how much they tell us without us having to ask...); 
2. - ability to work with you beyond a successful or failed IVF process (what are they willing to work with you on if your IVF isn't a success?  How much do they support you beyond a positive test?); 
3. - ability to engage in a supportive culture (like.. is there staff and/or space inviting?  is bed-side manner from your nurse or doctor important to you? do they support use of alternative meds for conceiving - if that's important to you?); 
4. - size acceptance (YES, that is real!  Being a plus-sized person, this was a HUGE concern to me because some providers won't work with plus-size individuals); and,
5. - age acceptance (due to higher failed IVF rates among older females, some centers don't want to work with women over 35).

Tidbits that help....

• Be an active part of your process! Look things up on the internet and talk to friends that are going though similar experiences. 
• Don't be afraid to ask...Ask about your hormone levels?  Ask what things mean? What's in the contracts?  What needs to happen for suceess?  What happens next? What doesn't happen next?  
• COST SAVER- when meds are concerned, ask the pharmacy you are purchasing your meds from if they have a sell-back or return policy.. this is super important.  Additionally, as you may know, meds are EXTREMELY expensive.  Make sure to look through your Center's blog site.  Many times, there are individuals who are selling  or, even better, giving away their meds.  Ask them to give them to you! 
• Don't give up!  Find ways to make this happen FOR YOU.  If you don't succeed and can figure the means to do it again, DO IT AGAIN!

************************************************************

ON A SIDE NOTE: 

Oh... one last thing... if you are so inclined to, we are NOT giving up on our hope.  We are just readjusting and fine tuning at the moment.  This requires money and as you heard me say before, we are completely out.  I've added a DONATE button to our site... as you know, this will help fund IVF # 2 or whatever decision we make to HAVE A BABY.  Please support us as you wish... ever $1 and cent helps us re-get to our goal.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  That's all we've got. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

Did you know that 5 to 16 percent of pregnant women actually have anxiety disorders (1)? Not too many folks talk about anxiety pre-, during, and post pregnancy. Pregnancy & birth is most often depicted as this glorious and beautiful, inviting event that is culminated by rainbows, flowers, a showering of happiness and all sorts of other frilly BS. But, what about some of the dark sides of TTC, pregnancy & baby having? What happens to those of us who have/suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues?

I write this because as we move throughout our progress, I question my ability to cope throughout the pregnancy and beyond without much knowledge of what is available for me... WHAT THE F@$% CAN I DO TO COPE?!?  I suffer from lower-risk anxiety attacks "every-so-often."  What that means is that, while they typically don't require medication to control, I also don't always know when they are about to come on. I certainly can't go back to what used to be my default of smoking cigarettes or drinking (which scientifically, I recognize that this may have been contributing to an increase in my surges).

I have read that medication is bad, but some might be ok... I have read that cognitive behavioral treatment is exceptionally wonderful... I have read that anxiety sometimes subsides during pregnancy due to a regulation of hormones (particularly in females like myself who have had a depletion or absence of hormone for over 10 years).  I have read many many things, but nothing that is set in stone around potential remedies.

I suppose where I could start is to actually acknowledge that the anxiety is real and that it won't take over my entire being.  I can talk about what I feel with loved ones... I can actually look into getting professional support from a reproductive therapist (did you know they had those?).  I will get through the ride even if it may not always be with smooth waters. And while all is possible, I will remember that I am not alone.

1 - Tartakovsky, M. (2012). 4 Facts About Anxiety During Pregnancy & How to Find Help. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 5, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/19/4-facts-about-anxiety-during-pregnancy-how-to-find-help/