Hurry Up and Wait

Reflections of 2013...
Earlier this year, we agreed to try to conceive...By earlier, I mean June 2013.  Like most other things in life, we went into this process pretty blind.  I figured, we'd get some test done... my wife would get extra probed to make sure her eggs are good....we pick sperm...we mark first day of menstruation with medicines...we inseminate me and VUALA!  Should only take like 2 months, tops, right?!?  UMMM, nope!

Part of this process involves insurance verification(s), extensive doctor's clearances, an extraordinary amount of blood tests for more than one month, more check-ups, money prep, sperm selection (which takes some thoughtful dedication), more tests, doctor's availability, machines to be working, final payments (I'm sure I'm missing quite a few steps in between) and LOTS and LOTS of patience.  All of this comes down the pike in the form of checklist and timelines, but I had this unreal hope that we could get it done faster than anyone else in the planet and be pregnant yesterday.  Mind you, we HAVE accomplished all of this and then-some quicker than most couples. I've searched through endless amounts of websites; some good and others of which I wish I wouldn't have touched, but none which told ME how patient I had to be throughout this process. Like, I literally needed (who am I kidding, need) to have someone smack me in the head and say SETTLE YOUR A$$ DOWN, cowgirl!  No one ever talks about the hurry up and wait period... that anticipation you build up inside because this is all you've ever wanted, but you can't go anywhere because you don't have anything to do.

Lessons for 2014...
If you know me at all, you know that I am very much the "I want it NOW... I got it NOW!" type of gal.  That has been my big undertaking in life; my need to have everything exactly when I want it. I'm not saying I don't believe in working for it.. I'm just saying I usually want a much quicker turnaround on things than this.... But, have we really been waiting that long?  NO...absolutely not.  What seems like forever is really the indescribable excitement, anticipation, hope, love, want and longing for what the golden prize at the end of the process.  

To my little heart, this process seems endless; yet, IT ISN'T!  It has only been 6 months since we embarked on this journey, with the coming month finally being our point of launch for cylce #1. My lesson in this process:  Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience, sweet heart.  Patience.

On wanting to conceive...

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a child… in fact, during my childhood (ages 2-6) the only “girl” toys I had were baby dolls.  And really, it was about the role of being a mother. Throughout the years, I would re-create play time with my siblings and friend to make me the mom and lead caretaker in our games.  I would look at catalogs, fliers and magazines to select the child that was the one who looked most like me.  It became so customary that my mom, at the time, started to pick out children in magazines and say, “what do you think of this one?”  I would ask my mom, regardless of the size of our family, “Wouldn’t you want ANOTHER baby in our home?” 

Fast forward to 1998 (age, 18).  Prior to my second semester at University, I had been gone through consecutive years of lower abdominal "issues." On several occasions, I was even hospitalized.  After visiting seven doctors in the span of a week from unexplained excruciating pain, I was seen by a reproductive oncologist who finally figured out that the pains were stemming from an ovarian tumor.  I went through surgery and had a 35 lb. mass removed (yes, that big), along with my right ovary, fallopian tube & appendix, and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage 1A.  No other medical intervention was needed at the time, and since I was only 18 years, cryopreservation of any eggs from my “functioning” ovary didn't seem necessary.

In 2002, I started to experience many of the same symptoms I'd had before. Again, even though I was consistently being monitored by my oncologist, I developed another ovarian tumor on the other side.  I, again, underwent another surgery for a much smaller tumor, had the ovary removed along with other fallopian tube.  (BUT, I didn't know it was going to be so invasive at the time!) It wasn’t until 4 days later that I was told about the extent of the surgery.  I remember it like it was yesterday!  My life, what I thought was my purpose for living, my womanhood, my ability to bear a life was taken from me… it was taken without any warning.  My hope disappeared. An instant void was created.  At this point, I thought not only would I not be able to biologically create my own children, but it would cost me an unfathomable amount of money to scientifically try to do so.  

The years following the last surgery were difficult, but not unbearable.  I refocused on figuring out who I was, what other things life had to offer me, along with taking on bigger “adventures.” I thought that if I couldn’t conceive, it would be best to forget about being a mom for a while.  I traveled, lived in Europe, moved to Las Vegas, obtained my Master’s degree, dabbled in various job opportunities, and several relationships later found my soul mate (age, 32). 

Upon meeting my mate, a spark reignited.  A very scary spark…I saw in her what I hadn’t seen in others.  I saw compassion; I saw patience; I saw love; and, most importantly, I saw a future.  A future that included a family.  Though, what stood out to me most was my fear.  Here I was seeing my future, which now potentially included a family, with a FEMALE and no ability to have a child.  It hurt…. I hurt.    

Among our circle of same-sex female friends, quite a few were starting to conceive and have babies.  We inquired about the steps they took to create their families and the process of reciprocal IVF/ART was presented to us.  I was in shock, instantly scared, and in utter excitement all at once!  I knew enough about my medical well-being to know that I was “healthy” but wasn’t’ sure if I could be a candidate for IVF or if we even had the money to move forward with it.  After an extensive conversation with who is now my wife, we decided I should start getting re-checked physically and start looking into the possibility….using my uterus and her eggs.  

Much research and quite a few test/exams/labs later, and we received a confirmed YES to try to have a baby...which brings us up to date.  In the process, my mom died.  And, as sad as that truly & deeply is, she left me many beautiful & wonderful things… she left me her faith and a small pocket of funds, which is what we have started to use to support our initial process.  

There have been many tears throughout just the last few months of my life’s journey. I no longer feel the vast void brought on by my inability to biologically create a child, but I see possibility.  I have hope… I believe in our ability to be mothers; to bare our child… to create a family no different than many others.