One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

Day 14: She and I

For the penultimate word of the April Moon 2014 reflective writing challenge, we were tasked with focusing on COMFORT.  And for the sake of brevity, I'm going to create a Top Ten Comfort List, a-la (David) Letterman.

10. Being barefoot
9.  Delicious, moist cake! (judge me all you want; I find some comfort in food!)
8.  Sleeping
7.  Traveling
6.  Creating things (anything!)
5.  My friends
4.  Thoughts of/signs from my mother
3.  My dogs
2.  My family, especially my sisters and their children
1.  I find the most beautiful and heart-warming comfort in my wife.  I remember within the first year of dating, I told her how much I felt like she provided me with safety...Like I wanted to crawl into her skin and just rest there for a bit because she provided my THAT calm (of course I know that sounds creepy, but there is no other way to describe the feeling I had). She provides me the same energy I [used to] get from my mother.  She makes me feel like nothing can happen to me in her arms.  Perhaps, I don't say it as much as I wish, but comfort truly is she and I! There is absolutely no mistake in our joining and the fact that we will both bring a lil being into the world together... And, they, too, will experience that comfort soon.  <3

I wish you all a happy lunar eclipse tonight and new moon tomorrow!  Make your comforting wishes and may they all come true.

A Pawn in the Mirror (Day 11)

a year ago
how different things were
but in reality they stay the same
except that your body is not here
you laid there and i plead that you would not go
i looked into your eyes
hoping you had all these truths to tell
or that your voice would peer through
and tell me this was all a dream
i prayed that your secretes would become mine
and that your wisdom would spill into me
that i could see though your eyes
and believe, as you did, that everything would be alright

i think of you a lot
thoughts of you mean thoughts of me
thoughts of the warrior that once was
thoughts of my creation and my being
thoughts of your light and your thunder
for you were the ever-presence of Chango
i think of your transcendence into a greater existence
and how the inevitable happened in the most beautiful of ways

i reflect on the laughter and the lessons
and that anything that was negative almost seemed
like it vanished from my mind the day you psychically left
masking itself behind happy tails and joyful moments
but bitter is still there
and i will always remember that scorn

for i brought away from this much more than I paid for
i walked away with your smile, your eyes, and your soul
with the tools to guide me through my ventures
and the feet to keep me grounded in reality
and as i begin on my own voyage to becoming a mother warrior
i summons you to shower me with your knowledge, your rhythms and your rhyme
for I am the pawn staring in the mirror
and you are the reflection of the Queen i see

***NOTE:  In Chess and the accompanying image, I recognize that the reflection is that of pawn to king. 

Today's April Moon 2014 prompt was REFLECTION. To read more April Moon writings or join in on the adventure yourself, click on the image below. Happy writing!

Day 4: A Spiritual Grounding

Wikipedia (not the most reliable source, but we'll go with it) states that SACRED is the general state of being considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion.  Things are considered sacred when used for spiritual purposes or invoke some form of spiritual connection.  I love that today's prompt for our April Moon 2014 challenge is the word: SACRED. It stirs such deep, rooted, red/plum, warm energy throughout my system and I welcome it.  It's not often that we take time to recognize and revere that which we find sacred.  Here my list of sacred:

• My body/soul/self - ME!
• The unity between my wife & I
• Our journey towards creating a being
• My faith/spirituality
• My family bond
• The breath I breathe
• The reflecting/clarifying moments

The word sacred evokes a deeper connection within me... it's this unity with the soul, with the core of my being, with my body.. it brings forth the rituals we create around honoring ourselves and life.  I feel it rooted in my breath; inhaling what "good" I want from what I find sacred and exhaling all the "negative" that impedes from my connection. It recalls memories of my first discovery of my self, beyond that of the touch, but really trying to dissect the very parts of me that make me ME. It reminds me of my understanding of faith and spirituality; And, at some point in my life, my separation from conventional religion and a movement towards engaging in a more global practice of faith and healing (which can go hand-in-hand).  It calls up my deep desires of finding that energy in life that provides me a sense of spiritual grounding.  It actually even brings me to my yoga/meditation practices... and while I don't engage in them as often as I'd like, I find them to be part of my spiritual practice and honoring of my being.

In relation to our TTC process, as my wife and I have embarked in bringing a being into this universe, I have been searching for a variety of things/birthing aspects/motherhood-embracing/techniques/communities/yo-no-se-que that make our TTC experience meaningful and positive... sacred so-to-speak.  One of the most beautiful and conjuring [online] communities that I have found is SACRED PREGNANCY.  Just their mere images online invoke such amazing feelings in me.  It visually represents what I see and practice as sacred.  There aren't words to capture that feelings sometimes... In fact, it is often tears that come as a representation of what my soul wants to express.

Our journey is actually very scared to me... us. We've created this spiritual connection to this being that isn't here, yet garners our devotion wholeheartedly.  We honor it with positive affirmations, with positive intentions, with words of wisdom and ever present love. Our scared practices have now extra-embraced the welcoming of our being... they may not be here yet; but, we know they're with us.  Nonetheless... NAMASTE!

Close to the Heart (Day 3)

Yesterday I got to create this vivid encounter and reflection around the word JUICY; an account which seemed so easy and quick to put together unlike the the first day. Today, it again has taken me some time to write and reflect on the given prompt... HOME.  

So many things come to mind when I think of home.... I think of my mother (which is interesting because I, in theory, was raised in a two-parent home), mostly because no matter where I was in the world I knew I could always come "home" to her; 22nd street; my wife; our [unknown] family - wife, doggies, bab(ies), me; my sisters; even, Cuba. HOME..... HOME....Home makes me feel warm. Visually, I go to the heart. Literally, like what does my heart see/feel/identify with home. I guess that makes sense because as the saying goes "home is where the heart is." I read somewhere that a persons identity with "home" can physiologically influence a persons behavior, emotions, and overall mental health.  It manifests thoughts about who someone is, used to be, or might become. To me, home is a string of warmness that defines me at the heart; thus, all the things above.  Yup; that's certainly my case. 

Figuratively, home is on 22nd street, were I was born and raised.  Literally.... I was born premature from a warrior women who had a whirlwind life and went into labor early.  It was no coincidence I was given the name Lazara - but that's a whole other story.  With the little bit she had, no matter what, she created a home for us on 22nd street. Marriage, siblings, growing pains, and other events led us to settle in a specific house on 22nd, which is still the home my parents [dad] inhabits.  I have the best memories of this place!  It's never been the dream home, I'll tell you that much, but we've had births, birthdays, graduations, mysterious encounters, animals, laughs, cries, fights, and sadly even, parting goodbyes here.  My sisters and I always wanted more rooms; we wanted a new kitchen for my mother; we wanted more windows; we wanted to be able to run around; we wanted it to look "pretty."  We wanted so much, but the whole time we wouldn't ever let it go because it was HOME.  I've been away from this "home" in one form or another since 1997.   And still, it's interesting because no matter where I go, where I am, this house is my home.  

Though, things have changed a bit for me.... My home is becoming the space that my wife and I inhabit.  She embodies so much of what I long for in a home; similar to what my mom once created for me.  The picture isn't fully formed with the destination unknown yet, but it's coming up; I know it!  We are creating our home with every step, plan and breath we take.  The mere fact that we are trying to bring a being into this world is symbolic to the home we are building.  That heart string I spoke about earlier has extended from 22nd street and wrapped itself around my wife and I...moving with us to wherever we build our home.  I maintain that "home is where the heart it is"... it's whatever we dwell close to the heart.   

ISO: Courage (Day 1)

We recognize it's been a while since we last posted.... With all the energy of things happening around us, the ebbs and flows of life, it's hard to really put into words what it is that I/we are feeling these days; thus, we've slowed the mill down a bit.

I guess I wouldn't say we've been idling or standing still, but we definitely have had to slow down in our approaches to life and examine how it is we want to get where we are going...not just with baby-making, but with everything. Most notably with TTC, we're still looking for donations through PayPal (Button on the home page of this blog) and GoFundMe (http://www.gofundme.com/PGbabymakingfund), as well submitting a few grants and doing major planning on how to make this baby-thing work!!!

Partially what has prompted me (Laz) to write today is the fact that I received an email from Kat McNally asking all other bloggers of the universe to join her in April Moon, a reflective writing challenge for 14 days....  so, I reflect for the next 14 days (Bear with me).  I suppose this is timely as we approach the one year mark of my mom's passing, Easter (in the Christian, faith-based sense of the holiday), baby-making progress, and, well, just life.

Today's reflective word is COURAGE.

My heart starts to race because I can't think of my own courage. Actually, I thought of the Wizard of Oz's Cowardly Lion.  I struggle to picture what courage looks like.  I scroll through images in my brain of life events and courage doesn't stop at any one mark. I'm scared I forgot to bookmark it!  I have no recollection.  Perhaps, the issue is my fundamental understanding of courage or how I define courage. Or maybe it's that every one of my life events have been based on courage and so they are a big cluster. I struggle to determine if acknowledging that I HAVE been courageous is vain or if the fact that I can't figure out is some form of modesty.

Vastly, I find that it takes courage to face life everyday.  It takes courage to wake up every morning... it takes courage to communicate... it takes courage to see things through different lenses; to accept that no matter how life pans out, we are present and are supposed to be present in these very moments.  It takes courage to allow your self to sit in those moments and believe in what it is and possibly what it could be. Courage looks like a massive light coming from the heart and stepping up.  Courage is big... and, I guess, often un-acknowledged.  Perhaps the bigger challenge of the day is that I do not know how I feel... and it takes courage to say it out loud.

I acknowledge my unknown courage!!!  I acknowledge my past courageous self and my future courageous self, as they may be different.  I say it here, today.  Thank you for being courageous, Laz.. Thank you for being able to face the world in some form, every day.  Thank you to everyone else in my life who has allowed me to be courageous.  Please continue to support that.

That's my reflection for the day.  Oh and, how does this all relate to baby-making... well, it takes courage to try and want to bring a being into this world..put everything on the line to do so.  It takes courage to want to do that with another being...your life partner.. particularly when you are unsure of what life has to offer, at times.    How's that for courage???  <3

April Moon 14