One and only me (Day 15)

And, then there was (this) ONE!  Yes, that is the prompt of the day for April Moon 2014... one.  The one and only... one.  One as in me...one as in self. One is in finite, with no more.. the last one. One as in united. One as in a noteworthy example.  One as in whole. One as in Ohhhhhhmmmmmm.  But for today, I choose to write about one as in me.

I guess in a way, I have been writing for the past few days in search of a purpose... I wanted to re-find myself.  And, well, here I am... I haven't gotten too deep in this "finding" business, but I have gained some insight.  These reflections have drawn up a bit of focus... on me...my one!  It draws up on the centering of my self. Soooo...I acknowledge the following:  I AM MY ONE AND ONLY ME!  I am currently the only one that inhabits this particular body, this mind, and this soul. What you see, if what you get.. or rather, what I see, is what I get.

I constantly find myself trying to change me and/or hide behind all these insecurities I've built over time.  The statement above is truly just about acknowledging that this soul, these emotions and this physical body is truly the only one I've got and I have to remember that... and be thankful for it... honor it!  It's about acknowledging that I have to love my whole - every little bit of me - along with nourishing it for it to stay optimal.  

I realize that for some time I have been smothering my other half; that poor soul has had to deal with my ups and downs and be present with my emotions for some time now.  She has been good - great - to me... but, I have emotionally depended on her for a lot!  I have asked of her attention, her time, her love and her shoulder.  Most of it has been because I struggle with thoughts of losing her like I've lost so many other things in my life....but a real part of it is because I have lost myself over the past few years to insecurities, material/physical connections and other grand things.  I have neglected that at the root of it all I am my one and only me - seriously, from birth to death there is only one me!  To depend on others to make me happy or feel worth is such a weight; it can be crushing.  And, I openly apologize to her for the extra lbs recently.  I have to re-learn to be be one with myself and love me.  It's not easy, nor do I think that I will become this super-hero of self awareness overnight...but I can give it a go. It could only help, right? - especially as my wife and I are trying to welcome a being into this world. 

It's crazy how things happen, right?  How being part of a writing challenge has made me write, read and listen about my truths.. taking in accounts as if they weren't my own.  It has allowed me to stop and think... reflect.  Mission accomplished!  

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge.  Visit Kat McNally for this and other writing challenges by clicking on the logo below.  Happy writing!

Day 14: She and I

For the penultimate word of the April Moon 2014 reflective writing challenge, we were tasked with focusing on COMFORT.  And for the sake of brevity, I'm going to create a Top Ten Comfort List, a-la (David) Letterman.

10. Being barefoot
9.  Delicious, moist cake! (judge me all you want; I find some comfort in food!)
8.  Sleeping
7.  Traveling
6.  Creating things (anything!)
5.  My friends
4.  Thoughts of/signs from my mother
3.  My dogs
2.  My family, especially my sisters and their children
1.  I find the most beautiful and heart-warming comfort in my wife.  I remember within the first year of dating, I told her how much I felt like she provided me with safety...Like I wanted to crawl into her skin and just rest there for a bit because she provided my THAT calm (of course I know that sounds creepy, but there is no other way to describe the feeling I had). She provides me the same energy I [used to] get from my mother.  She makes me feel like nothing can happen to me in her arms.  Perhaps, I don't say it as much as I wish, but comfort truly is she and I! There is absolutely no mistake in our joining and the fact that we will both bring a lil being into the world together... And, they, too, will experience that comfort soon.  <3

I wish you all a happy lunar eclipse tonight and new moon tomorrow!  Make your comforting wishes and may they all come true.

Curious Cat (Day 13)

They say curiosity killed the cat.  But, how and why? A few posts ago, I wrote about texture and how it correlates with touch, to me.  Curiosity is closely in line with that past post... It's about touching, feeling, asking, and looking further to know more!  I love being curious.  I enjoy exploring. I like to go deeper than just the surface of things.  I like to know if there is more to things than what we see.  Curiosity is such a beautiful thing.   Of the many traits I have, I think this is the one that has gotten me farthest in life.  It has allowed me to "test the waters" so to speak... It has provided me with the bravery to get more info than I have in front of me.

As it stands, what are the things that I am curious about?  It goes without say that I am curious to know when our lil being will come to us.... I am curious to see what life will be like with that being?  Will they have my wife's amazing hair and her deep, inviting eyes?  What traits will they inherit from the sperm donor?  And, while I may not have "full" genetics in the making of this being, in what ways will they resemble me???

Oh, jeez there are so many things that I am curious about far beyond our lil being... but I will spare everyone the long post on my crazy curiosity!  I invite everyone to dig a lil deeper.  Go beyond what you see and explore the depths!!!  As the saying fully goes...."Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back".

This post is part of the April Moon reflective writing challenge. 

Day 12: Namaste!

With only two days of reflective prompts to go, today's chosen word is FLOW. Flow evokes fluidity, wind, energy, breath....it brings to mind everyday life. It makes me think of the heart beat and our blood as it flows and its necessity for us to live. Flow in the psychological sense means full involvement or absorption in a process. I think of it more in the mechanical sense of ever-movement; the interchange of positive and negative energy to create a frequency. This actually brings me to my focus today...on [my] yoga [practice]. 

Generally (but not specifically), yoga consists of synchronized movement to the breath, creating a connection. This is done by transitioning from one pose on the inhale and then to the next on the exhale in a smooth way so that they almost run together and become rhythmic. It's interesting that my mind goes to yoga because at the root of it, yoga is meant to still the mind; to create a bigger connection between the self and the larger universe around you...but it does so through these flow of poses. In terms of the breath, it's not only about the flow of poses... it's about channeling all that you need from the universe upon your inhale and letting go of all the unnecessary upon your exhale.

I love that they call yoga a practice. Part of that flow is that it takes practice to create the purposeful rhythm. I'll be it, I am not the best illustration of a yogi. Quite frankly, it almost kills me to "practice" most days with people because here I am, this big woman, coming in to butcher the poses and block peoples view of the instructor. Then, I remind myself that yoga (in its purest form) isn't about showing off any particular ability and more about creating your own practice of movement with the self (yourself); honoring the ability that your body has, no matter how much or little it is. Of any form of practice, I find yoga to be my mental health provider, my gym, my spiritual praise and my time to reflect in on myself. I practice yoga, sometimes, like I use church [yes, I said use]; I practice when I am feeling my lowest... I practice when I need to feel better connected... I practice when I want to feel healthy. But, at the end of it all, yoga really is about the flow that is brings to my core being - the restorative connection it makes between my body and soul.

The flow of yoga allows us to find the sacred within our selves... So, with that I end by saying Namaste, as we do in yoga practice (and other moments to greet and acknowledge individuals). It means "I bow to the divine in you." I, Laz, validate your flow!

A Pawn in the Mirror (Day 11)

a year ago
how different things were
but in reality they stay the same
except that your body is not here
you laid there and i plead that you would not go
i looked into your eyes
hoping you had all these truths to tell
or that your voice would peer through
and tell me this was all a dream
i prayed that your secretes would become mine
and that your wisdom would spill into me
that i could see though your eyes
and believe, as you did, that everything would be alright

i think of you a lot
thoughts of you mean thoughts of me
thoughts of the warrior that once was
thoughts of my creation and my being
thoughts of your light and your thunder
for you were the ever-presence of Chango
i think of your transcendence into a greater existence
and how the inevitable happened in the most beautiful of ways

i reflect on the laughter and the lessons
and that anything that was negative almost seemed
like it vanished from my mind the day you psychically left
masking itself behind happy tails and joyful moments
but bitter is still there
and i will always remember that scorn

for i brought away from this much more than I paid for
i walked away with your smile, your eyes, and your soul
with the tools to guide me through my ventures
and the feet to keep me grounded in reality
and as i begin on my own voyage to becoming a mother warrior
i summons you to shower me with your knowledge, your rhythms and your rhyme
for I am the pawn staring in the mirror
and you are the reflection of the Queen i see

***NOTE:  In Chess and the accompanying image, I recognize that the reflection is that of pawn to king. 

Today's April Moon 2014 prompt was REFLECTION. To read more April Moon writings or join in on the adventure yourself, click on the image below. Happy writing!