I can’t remember a time when I
didn’t want a child… in fact, during my childhood (ages 2-6) the only “girl”
toys I had were baby dolls. And really, it was about the role of being a mother. Throughout the years, I would re-create play
time with my siblings and friend to make me the mom and lead caretaker in our
games. I would look at catalogs,
fliers and magazines to select the child that was the one who looked most like
me. It became so customary that my mom,
at the time, started to pick out children in magazines and say, “what do you
think of this one?” I would ask my mom,
regardless of the size of our family, “Wouldn’t you want ANOTHER baby in our
home?”
Fast forward to 1998 (age, 18). Prior to my second semester at University, I
had been gone through consecutive years of lower abdominal "issues." On several occasions, I was even hospitalized. After visiting seven doctors in the span of a week from unexplained
excruciating pain, I was seen by a reproductive oncologist who finally figured
out that the pains were stemming from an ovarian tumor. I went through surgery and had a 35 lb. mass removed (yes, that big), along with my right ovary,
fallopian tube & appendix, and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage
1A. No other medical intervention was
needed at the time, and since I was only 18 years, cryopreservation of any eggs
from my “functioning” ovary didn't seem necessary.
In 2002, I started to experience
many of the same symptoms I'd had before. Again, even though I was consistently being
monitored by my oncologist, I developed another ovarian
tumor on the other side. I, again, underwent another
surgery for a much
smaller tumor, had the ovary removed along with other fallopian tube. (BUT, I didn't know it was going to be so invasive at the time!) It wasn’t until 4 days later
that I was told about the extent of the surgery. I remember it like it was yesterday! My life, what I thought was my purpose for
living, my womanhood, my ability to bear a life was taken from me… it was taken
without any warning. My hope
disappeared. An instant void was created. At this point, I thought not only would I not be able to biologically create my own children, but
it would cost me an unfathomable amount of money to scientifically try to do so.
The years following the last
surgery were difficult, but not unbearable.
I refocused on figuring out who I was, what other things life had to
offer me, along with taking on bigger “adventures.” I thought that if I
couldn’t conceive, it would be best to forget about being a mom for a while. I traveled, lived in Europe, moved to Las Vegas, obtained my Master’s
degree, dabbled in various job opportunities, and several relationships later
found my soul mate (age, 32).
Upon meeting my mate, a spark
reignited. A very scary spark…I saw in
her what I hadn’t seen in others. I saw
compassion; I saw patience; I saw love; and, most importantly, I saw a future. A future that included a family. Though, what stood out to me most was my fear. Here I was seeing my future, which now
potentially included a family, with a FEMALE and no ability to have a
child. It hurt…. I hurt.
Among our circle of same-sex
female friends, quite a few were starting to conceive and have babies. We inquired about the steps they took to create
their families and the process of reciprocal IVF/ART was presented to us. I was in shock, instantly scared, and in
utter excitement all at once! I knew enough about my
medical well-being to know that I was “healthy” but wasn’t’ sure if I could be
a candidate for IVF or if we even had the money to move forward with it. After an extensive conversation
with who is now my wife, we decided I should start getting re-checked
physically and start looking into the possibility….using my uterus and her eggs.
There have
been many tears throughout just the last few months of my life’s journey. I no
longer feel the vast void brought on by my inability to biologically create a
child, but I see possibility. I have
hope… I believe in our ability to be mothers; to bare our child… to create a
family no different than many others.
Omg
ReplyDeleteThis story is the most touching and your dream will be a reality from mom who suffered the pain of not being able to get pregnant and suffering a misscarriage after all pain and suffering blessed with 6 kids. I know what you feel and I know you two will be blessed with one or more babies.