We're survivors....

In so many ways.... but for now, we'll focus on surviving the 2ww and not getting the outcome we wanted [insert tears here].  For those that are not up to speed with the IVF/TTC/ABC/123 lingo, 2ww is the acronym for the 2 week waiting period after you have had an embryo transferred into your uterus.  This waiting period is the time necessary for the fertilized egg to develop into a blastocysts and attach onto the uterus wall becoming a fully fledged embryo, implanting itself and further going through its growth cycles.  Look at this pretty pic!!!

To catch you up to speed... During the ongoing stim process, Sujey had 5 noticeable follicles.  This worried us a bit, but we went into this thinking "QUALITY over quantity."  We were right! When Sujey was notified that she was nice and ripe [LOL], and went in for her egg retrieval (YEY!) they retrieved 4 pretty eggs...2 of them which survived to become beautiful budding flowers.  On day 3 after the retrieval I went in for an embryo [really, a fertilized egg] transfer.  Both procedures were pretty painless, though Sujey's was much more invasive.    We opted to insert both eggies into my uterus, as with age and other considerations the likely hood that at least one will stick is about 50% [with only a 20% chance for twins].  Thus, it got us to the 2ww mark.  

SOOOooooo... how did a very impatient girl survive the 2ww?  Glad you asked.... This process actually made me appreciate the extent of my scientific knowledge and really opened up my channels to research what might be happening inside of me day by day [that's called endless hours on Google fun].  I practiced some guided visual and audio meditation.  I enjoyed coming to work and chatting with my friends.  I tried my best to laugh as often as possible. I tried not to talk much about any of which was/might be going on in my body. I allowed my mind to wander off into what might be... and what I truly wanted it to be.  That actually was the hardest part. Sujey was much better at being positive than I am was. Actually, Sujey, overall, hid her anxiety really really well from me throughout these 2 weeks [Thank you, darling!].    

After being told that you can't have a biological child for so long, even though I had gotten this far in the process, it was hard to believe that I might be pregnant; but an amazing journey thus far, nonetheless. It's like my head went in circles around the topic all the time. Add to that my very deep rooted Latin@ superstition that has catered to many many many years of clout and doubt on every little thing in my life--- with a dash of belief in mal de ojo [or the eveil eye]. So for me to promote that this may be real... that I might have been pregnant...to say that I might be a mom...was unbelievable! But, after a long chat with a friend she more or less stated that we have to BELIEVE, otherwise it will never happen. Thus, I'm believing... we're believing.

So, the result was a negative pregnancy test; we're not having a baby, YET.  It sucks... really, it does.  It kinda hurts.  I am mad... utterly pissed, really.  Like, the mad where you want to blame someone, something, everything, but in the end there is no real explanation for what/whom you are blaming. The human self in my wants to continue to be mad.... the ever-understanding side of me just keeps saying hold your peace.  Stay in this moment and do something with it.  Keep exploring and believe.  And, today, WE still BELIEVE!!! We'll be moms... we'll hold on to the hope.  And, so we wait... <3